We all know that men who say “I’ll call you” don’t really mean they intend to call tomorrow. That’s man-speak for “I may ask you out again some day if no one better comes along meanwhile.”
And we also know that when a woman says “nothing” is wrong, that the “you-know-what” is about to hit the fan and you better duck and run for cover.
But here are some slightly less well known translations:
She says: Go ahead. (Especially if her eyebrows are raised)
Translation: “I dare you, only a complete moron would dream of doing that.” Closely related to the Loud Sigh.
He says: No, of course that outfit doesn’t make you look fat.
Translation: If you had to ask, you know you look like a beached whale. But I’m not dumb enough to say so.
She says: Who is that girl who wrote on your FaceBook wall (or said hi to you, or called, etc)
Translation: Who is that bitch and what does she mean to you and have you ever had sex with her and you better spill all the details right now and if it was ever not completely platonic, you better never have any contact with her again!
He says: Can I take you out to dinner sometime?
Translation: I’d like to have sex with you afterwards.
She says (after seeing an attractive woman): Do you think she’s hot?
Translation: Tell me I am way prettier right this moment, I am gauging how you rate me compared to other women. I don’t care if it’s the biggest lie ever, tell me I’m prettier.
He says: You’re tense. Let me rub your shoulders.
Translation: Here’s my chance to fondle you and eventually have sex with you.
She says: Ugh, I am so fat!
Translation: Tell me I am thin right now or I will kill you and ruin your life forever!
He says: Nice dress
Translation: Great cleavage! Please show more…
She says: Oh that necklace (or earrings or outfit) is so cute.
Translation: I want you to buy me that for Valentines Day, my birthday, Christmas, whatever the nearest holiday is. Write it down.
He says: Do you want to talk?
Translation: I’m trying to impress you by showing you how much I care about what you say so that maybe you’ll have sex with me.
She says: Do you love me?
Translation: I’m going to ask you for a huge favor or to buy me something very expensive.
He says: I love you
Translation: There I said what you want, can we have sex now?
She says: How much do you love me?
Translation: I did something today that you REALLY won’t like, something on par with crashing the car or breaking your new flat screen TV.
He says: Will you marry me?
Translation: I’m afraid you’re going to have sex with another man.
She says: Can’t we just be friends?
Translation: There is no way in hell I will ever allow you to touch any part of my body again!
He says: I just need some space.
Translation: I’ve met another woman but I don’t want to break up with you till I’m sure she’s interested.
She says: I like you but…
Translation: I don’t like you.
He says: We are moving way too fast
Translation: I still want to have sex with other women
She says: Size doesn’t matter
Translation: I’ve never seen anything so small in my life! What is the fastest easiest way to dump this guy?
What are your favorite translations? I know you have some!
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