They say living well is the best revenge but I think some great satisfaction can come from a well plotted and executed course of action.
A couple of months ago a dear friend called me on the phone needing my assistance. She just KNEW I was the right person to call. She is recently divorced from a royal jerk (not just my assessment, ask anyone who knew him) and her kids had gone out of state for their scheduled visitation of him. When she picked the kids up at the airport upon their return, they discovered that the dad's cellphone had inadvertantly made the trip in the kids luggage. He called in a panic and demanded she overnight the phone back as his whole (unbackedup) life was stored on that device!
I told her it was not a problem, I would take care of everything. I picked it up, wrapped it well, and Fed Ex'd it out. The next day he called to verify that he received it, but he was livid! Apparently somehow, either the machines at the Fed Ex plant or something in transit caused the phone to be wiped completely clean and reset it to its original factory settings. Oh my! Imagine that! What a terrible shame!
Although living well might indeed be the best revenge... I agree more with Lord Byron, who wrote, "Sweet is revenge, especially to women."
Now come on...thats not the worst thing you've ever heard, or maybe even done....
Monday, March 15, 2010
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
He said, She said
One of the biggest complaints I hear from both my male and female friends, married or single, is that they just don’t understand each other. The reality is, men and women speak completely different languages, sometimes as foreign to each other as Mandarin Chinese and French are.
We all know that men who say “I’ll call you” don’t really mean they intend to call tomorrow. That’s man-speak for “I may ask you out again some day if no one better comes along meanwhile.”
And we also know that when a woman says “nothing” is wrong, that the “you-know-what” is about to hit the fan and you better duck and run for cover.
But here are some slightly less well known translations:
She says: Go ahead. (Especially if her eyebrows are raised)
Translation: “I dare you, only a complete moron would dream of doing that.” Closely related to the Loud Sigh.
He says: No, of course that outfit doesn’t make you look fat.
Translation: If you had to ask, you know you look like a beached whale. But I’m not dumb enough to say so.
She says: Who is that girl who wrote on your FaceBook wall (or said hi to you, or called, etc)
Translation: Who is that bitch and what does she mean to you and have you ever had sex with her and you better spill all the details right now and if it was ever not completely platonic, you better never have any contact with her again!
He says: Can I take you out to dinner sometime?
Translation: I’d like to have sex with you afterwards.
She says (after seeing an attractive woman): Do you think she’s hot?
Translation: Tell me I am way prettier right this moment, I am gauging how you rate me compared to other women. I don’t care if it’s the biggest lie ever, tell me I’m prettier.
He says: You’re tense. Let me rub your shoulders.
Translation: Here’s my chance to fondle you and eventually have sex with you.
She says: Ugh, I am so fat!
Translation: Tell me I am thin right now or I will kill you and ruin your life forever!
He says: Nice dress
Translation: Great cleavage! Please show more…
She says: Oh that necklace (or earrings or outfit) is so cute.
Translation: I want you to buy me that for Valentines Day, my birthday, Christmas, whatever the nearest holiday is. Write it down.
He says: Do you want to talk?
Translation: I’m trying to impress you by showing you how much I care about what you say so that maybe you’ll have sex with me.
She says: Do you love me?
Translation: I’m going to ask you for a huge favor or to buy me something very expensive.
He says: I love you
Translation: There I said what you want, can we have sex now?
She says: How much do you love me?
Translation: I did something today that you REALLY won’t like, something on par with crashing the car or breaking your new flat screen TV.
He says: Will you marry me?
Translation: I’m afraid you’re going to have sex with another man.
She says: Can’t we just be friends?
Translation: There is no way in hell I will ever allow you to touch any part of my body again!
He says: I just need some space.
Translation: I’ve met another woman but I don’t want to break up with you till I’m sure she’s interested.
She says: I like you but…
Translation: I don’t like you.
He says: We are moving way too fast
Translation: I still want to have sex with other women
She says: Size doesn’t matter
Translation: I’ve never seen anything so small in my life! What is the fastest easiest way to dump this guy?
What are your favorite translations? I know you have some!
As a reminder, if you enjoy reading my blog, please suggest it to your friends
We all know that men who say “I’ll call you” don’t really mean they intend to call tomorrow. That’s man-speak for “I may ask you out again some day if no one better comes along meanwhile.”
And we also know that when a woman says “nothing” is wrong, that the “you-know-what” is about to hit the fan and you better duck and run for cover.
But here are some slightly less well known translations:
She says: Go ahead. (Especially if her eyebrows are raised)
Translation: “I dare you, only a complete moron would dream of doing that.” Closely related to the Loud Sigh.
He says: No, of course that outfit doesn’t make you look fat.
Translation: If you had to ask, you know you look like a beached whale. But I’m not dumb enough to say so.
She says: Who is that girl who wrote on your FaceBook wall (or said hi to you, or called, etc)
Translation: Who is that bitch and what does she mean to you and have you ever had sex with her and you better spill all the details right now and if it was ever not completely platonic, you better never have any contact with her again!
He says: Can I take you out to dinner sometime?
Translation: I’d like to have sex with you afterwards.
She says (after seeing an attractive woman): Do you think she’s hot?
Translation: Tell me I am way prettier right this moment, I am gauging how you rate me compared to other women. I don’t care if it’s the biggest lie ever, tell me I’m prettier.
He says: You’re tense. Let me rub your shoulders.
Translation: Here’s my chance to fondle you and eventually have sex with you.
She says: Ugh, I am so fat!
Translation: Tell me I am thin right now or I will kill you and ruin your life forever!
He says: Nice dress
Translation: Great cleavage! Please show more…
She says: Oh that necklace (or earrings or outfit) is so cute.
Translation: I want you to buy me that for Valentines Day, my birthday, Christmas, whatever the nearest holiday is. Write it down.
He says: Do you want to talk?
Translation: I’m trying to impress you by showing you how much I care about what you say so that maybe you’ll have sex with me.
She says: Do you love me?
Translation: I’m going to ask you for a huge favor or to buy me something very expensive.
He says: I love you
Translation: There I said what you want, can we have sex now?
She says: How much do you love me?
Translation: I did something today that you REALLY won’t like, something on par with crashing the car or breaking your new flat screen TV.
He says: Will you marry me?
Translation: I’m afraid you’re going to have sex with another man.
She says: Can’t we just be friends?
Translation: There is no way in hell I will ever allow you to touch any part of my body again!
He says: I just need some space.
Translation: I’ve met another woman but I don’t want to break up with you till I’m sure she’s interested.
She says: I like you but…
Translation: I don’t like you.
He says: We are moving way too fast
Translation: I still want to have sex with other women
She says: Size doesn’t matter
Translation: I’ve never seen anything so small in my life! What is the fastest easiest way to dump this guy?
What are your favorite translations? I know you have some!
As a reminder, if you enjoy reading my blog, please suggest it to your friends
Sunday, February 28, 2010
"Look Boss, Da Plane! Da Plane!" (aka Tattoos)
***Beware, the following blog post is sheerly one girl's opinion***
I was at a water park one day about 15 years ago, and I was waiting in line to go down a tall waterslide. In front of me was a young guy probably all of 18 or 19 and he had a HUGE ugly tattoo on his back of a cartoon baby sucking a pacifier. I stared in complete revulsion/facination at his back the entire time I was in line, thinking to myself...I wonder how he's going to feel about this STUPID baby on his back when he's 40.
I'm probably going to be in the minority here, but as you can tell by the above paragraph, I don't like tattoos! I dislike them to the point that I have chosen to not date one or two men because they had some particularly hideous ones in very visible places. (Does a guy really think I'm not going to be repulsed by the anatomically correct and extremely explicit naked woman doing the splits on their arm?) I have dated a man or two that had more discreet ones and I tried in vain to pretend the tattoo didn't exist. Didn't work.
I am friends with many men and women who have tattoos of various sizes, natures, colors, patterns, etc and each tattoo has a personal story and reason attached. I can respect that, and I laud their right to have them. (I do have to wonder what personal statement someone attaches to a comic book character on their shoulder) But I still don't find even the personally designed ones visually appealing. I equate them with discovering that someone indelibly drew with permanent markers on the Venus De Milo or spraypainted graffiti on the Mona Lisa.
Admittedly there are different levels of tattoos. Its not the same to see some guy with a greying, stretched out prison style tattoo of a naked woman in a provocative pose vs. someone who has a very intricately designed picture that has some asthetic or personal meaning to them. Of course in the past decade or two, the ever popular "barbed wire" bicep band or tribal cuff has been the tattoo of choice for many men, the genie bottle on the low back for women. Ok, those aren't repulsive, but they sure show a lack of originality! But at least they can be covered with most clothing.
On the other hand, we have those who apparently got quite addicted to getting tattoo's and now have a "sleeve"(s). It would be really hard to become a white collar professional with a sleeve, and undoubtably when the person got the sleeve done, they probably never in a million years expected to want to become that professional. But things change as life goes on...
A few years back, friends around me right and left were getting tattoo's done and I thought to myself...maybe I exaggerate how I feel about tattoos, maybe I would feel different if it was a design I really liked and created myself. So I experiemented. Found some temporary tattoo paint that wouldn't come off til removed with a special chemical. I painted a very pretty rose and thorns wreath around my ankle. Three weeks later I was ready to saw my foot off above the ankle if that removal chemical didnt work, I was so desperate to have it gone. I hated it, I was so bored with the design I wanted to scream. I think I will take that as a sign that I should never ever ever ever ever get a tattoo.
I was at a water park one day about 15 years ago, and I was waiting in line to go down a tall waterslide. In front of me was a young guy probably all of 18 or 19 and he had a HUGE ugly tattoo on his back of a cartoon baby sucking a pacifier. I stared in complete revulsion/facination at his back the entire time I was in line, thinking to myself...I wonder how he's going to feel about this STUPID baby on his back when he's 40.
I'm probably going to be in the minority here, but as you can tell by the above paragraph, I don't like tattoos! I dislike them to the point that I have chosen to not date one or two men because they had some particularly hideous ones in very visible places. (Does a guy really think I'm not going to be repulsed by the anatomically correct and extremely explicit naked woman doing the splits on their arm?) I have dated a man or two that had more discreet ones and I tried in vain to pretend the tattoo didn't exist. Didn't work.
I am friends with many men and women who have tattoos of various sizes, natures, colors, patterns, etc and each tattoo has a personal story and reason attached. I can respect that, and I laud their right to have them. (I do have to wonder what personal statement someone attaches to a comic book character on their shoulder) But I still don't find even the personally designed ones visually appealing. I equate them with discovering that someone indelibly drew with permanent markers on the Venus De Milo or spraypainted graffiti on the Mona Lisa.
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Top 10 things NOT to say in an online dating profile
10. My psychiatrist thinks my anger management issues are under control enough to begin dating again.
9. The picture is of me and my ex before she filed the restraining order.
8. Looking for someone ready for a long term relationship and marriage because I need a greencard.
7. Must be willing to hang out at your place as my parents don't like it when I bring girls home.
6. I haven't had much luck with marriage but they say the 6th time's a charm.
5. I spent the last few years in Texas but I got out early for good behavior.
4. I know my profile says I'm female, but that's just a phase I was going through.
3. I don't have a picture posted because my wife might recognize me.
2. Seeking an understanding female who will tolerate my internet porn addiction.
1. The doctor says as long as we use condoms, I shouldn't be contageous.
9. The picture is of me and my ex before she filed the restraining order.
8. Looking for someone ready for a long term relationship and marriage because I need a greencard.
7. Must be willing to hang out at your place as my parents don't like it when I bring girls home.
6. I haven't had much luck with marriage but they say the 6th time's a charm.
5. I spent the last few years in Texas but I got out early for good behavior.
4. I know my profile says I'm female, but that's just a phase I was going through.
3. I don't have a picture posted because my wife might recognize me.
2. Seeking an understanding female who will tolerate my internet porn addiction.
1. The doctor says as long as we use condoms, I shouldn't be contageous.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Bosom Buddies?
Roommates. Love ‘em or hate ‘em, for some of us, (especially in this economy) roommates are a fact of life. Personally for me, ever since I divorced way back when, I have only had one female roommate, my sister. Aside from that I have always had male roommates and I prefer men as roommates for a variety of reasons.
Probably the biggest reason I like male roommates is that I am about as far from Susie homemaker as a girl can get, and my lack of desire to do housework, etc. would drive most women batty. Men generally don’t care. If I leave my wet towel on the bathroom floor, my guy roommate could care less, he will just step over it, or possibly add a dirty sock or two to the pile, assuming that it’s the beginning of a new dirty laundry pile and hoping to con me into washing some of his too. If I leave my pillow and throw blanket on the couch after watching an evening of the Olympics, he won’t scream at me that I’m cluttering up the place, he probably thinks I’ve decided to redecorate the living room. None of that would fly with a female roommate.
Another reason a guy roommate is good is that if I have a gentleman caller on occasion spending the night, well, a guy roommate won’t give me accusing looks that shout, “You slut!” A girl will, even if it’s someone you’ve been dating for a long time! A guy will just say “Sweet! Now you won’t be so cranky for a while.”
And another great thing about having a guy roommate… when I have car trouble or need a tire changed or furniture lifted or jars opened or dead bugs removed or mousetraps set…assistance is just a room away! Occasionally it causes a few small problems, like men I’m dating not much caring for the idea that I live with a guy, but hey, they can just get over it.
Probably the biggest reason I like male roommates is that I am about as far from Susie homemaker as a girl can get, and my lack of desire to do housework, etc. would drive most women batty. Men generally don’t care. If I leave my wet towel on the bathroom floor, my guy roommate could care less, he will just step over it, or possibly add a dirty sock or two to the pile, assuming that it’s the beginning of a new dirty laundry pile and hoping to con me into washing some of his too. If I leave my pillow and throw blanket on the couch after watching an evening of the Olympics, he won’t scream at me that I’m cluttering up the place, he probably thinks I’ve decided to redecorate the living room. None of that would fly with a female roommate.
Another reason a guy roommate is good is that if I have a gentleman caller on occasion spending the night, well, a guy roommate won’t give me accusing looks that shout, “You slut!” A girl will, even if it’s someone you’ve been dating for a long time! A guy will just say “Sweet! Now you won’t be so cranky for a while.”
And another great thing about having a guy roommate… when I have car trouble or need a tire changed or furniture lifted or jars opened or dead bugs removed or mousetraps set…assistance is just a room away! Occasionally it causes a few small problems, like men I’m dating not much caring for the idea that I live with a guy, but hey, they can just get over it.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Prize Catch
Today I received an email alert that someone had written to me on a dating website. When I logged on and read my message, I also took a look at the man's profile, as I always do, prior to responding. What I found there... well you have to see it to believe it.
Here it is, typo's and all: [You should message me] "if you dont mine living with me and my family if you whant privetsy i will cosider living in a aparment behind the house i also have my own room hey i am being sincere my partner kids are welcome."
Ladies, back off, he's mine! I saw him first. Please, no pushing and shoving trying to get to the front of the line to be with this guy. What lucky girl wouldn't want to live with his family and squish into a house with everyone? Hubba Hubba! Don't even ask me to share the link to his profile so you can contact him yourself...
Or how about the profile I saw the other day where the guy was looking for wife number 5 for his brood of 6 kids. Can you say "Red Flag"? Yikes!
I know, these examples seem extreme, however if you spend any time at all looking at profiles on dating sites, you will see similar things time after time and I have to wonder to myself... Why would you put this on a profile?
First off, this may seem minor but is it THAT hard to use spell check? A person who can't spell is not necessarily dumb or uneducated but that is what spell check is for! If you don't use that, then there is no excuse. Bad spelling, grammar and writing will make me pass up even the best looking man.
Second, your profile is like a resume or job application, its the first impression someone is going to have of you. Do you REALLY want to discuss your ghetto living situation, or go in detail about all the dirty laundry of your last relationship and how badly you were treated or rant about every bad date you've ever had? Do you want some cheese with that whine?
And last, don't put pictures of your dog, your kids, your car ...am I going to date you for your car? And don't post a fuzzy picture taken from 100 yards away where I can't tell what you look like either. Unless you are a ringer for the elephant man, there is really no excuse for not having a clear picture of your face. People who say looks don't matter are wrong. They aren't everything of course, but they are important. If I feel zero attraction for you, no amount of great personality is ever going to lead us to a loving fulfilling relationship.
What are some of your pet peeves when it comes to profiles on dating sites? Any horror stories to share?
Here it is, typo's and all: [You should message me] "if you dont mine living with me and my family if you whant privetsy i will cosider living in a aparment behind the house i also have my own room hey i am being sincere my partner kids are welcome."
Ladies, back off, he's mine! I saw him first. Please, no pushing and shoving trying to get to the front of the line to be with this guy. What lucky girl wouldn't want to live with his family and squish into a house with everyone? Hubba Hubba! Don't even ask me to share the link to his profile so you can contact him yourself...
Or how about the profile I saw the other day where the guy was looking for wife number 5 for his brood of 6 kids. Can you say "Red Flag"? Yikes!
I know, these examples seem extreme, however if you spend any time at all looking at profiles on dating sites, you will see similar things time after time and I have to wonder to myself... Why would you put this on a profile?
First off, this may seem minor but is it THAT hard to use spell check? A person who can't spell is not necessarily dumb or uneducated but that is what spell check is for! If you don't use that, then there is no excuse. Bad spelling, grammar and writing will make me pass up even the best looking man.
Second, your profile is like a resume or job application, its the first impression someone is going to have of you. Do you REALLY want to discuss your ghetto living situation, or go in detail about all the dirty laundry of your last relationship and how badly you were treated or rant about every bad date you've ever had? Do you want some cheese with that whine?
And last, don't put pictures of your dog, your kids, your car ...am I going to date you for your car? And don't post a fuzzy picture taken from 100 yards away where I can't tell what you look like either. Unless you are a ringer for the elephant man, there is really no excuse for not having a clear picture of your face. People who say looks don't matter are wrong. They aren't everything of course, but they are important. If I feel zero attraction for you, no amount of great personality is ever going to lead us to a loving fulfilling relationship.
What are some of your pet peeves when it comes to profiles on dating sites? Any horror stories to share?
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
ManFax
A few months ago I stirred up quite a discussion on Facebook when I proposed that if you can get a Carfax report prior to buying a used car, then you should be able to get a “Manfax” report before dating a guy, that would verify marital status, employment status, reveal past criminal history, credit history, etc. The response from women from everywhere was overwhelming (men were slightly less enthusiastic about it) and I have more than once pondered turning that idea into reality. But the other day something happened that made me realize, Facebook can often give you much of this information itself.
Just after Thanksgiving this past year I got a phone call from *Scott* (name changed to protect the guilty), a man I had dated several years ago. I was surprised he still had my phone number. As we chatted about things that had changed in our lives since we had last met, he revealed that he had both married AND divorced in that time frame. At the end of the phone call, he invited me out to lunch and expressed an interest in possibly rekindling things between us. Personally my attitude has always been that ex’s are ex’s for a reason and if you split up once, chances are the reasons for doing so will still be there, so I did not commit to meeting him but just left it that maybe sometime in the future we could possibly meet up.
A week or so later I was on Facebook and I was trying to find an old friend from College, and in doing a keyword search for that person, lo and behold, Scott showed up in the listings. I recognized his picture and being the curious type, I went ahead and pulled up his profile for a look. Imagine my surprise to find out he definitely got married as he said, but he is not in any way divorced. In fact, during that same timeframe where he called me, he was posting nearly every day about how much he loved his wife, how they were traveling here and there over the holidays, about the gift he was planning on buying her for Christmas and had posted a multitude of pictures of the two of them together in cutsie poses.
I’m sure Scott never dreamed I would access his Facebook page and find out his lies in this manner, and it was a total accident, but the fact is - the information was there for anyone who knew his name to see! My own personal “Manfax” on him.
I think in the future I might make use of this source of information more often, after all, if they are dumb enough to put it out there on a public forum…..
Just after Thanksgiving this past year I got a phone call from *Scott* (name changed to protect the guilty), a man I had dated several years ago. I was surprised he still had my phone number. As we chatted about things that had changed in our lives since we had last met, he revealed that he had both married AND divorced in that time frame. At the end of the phone call, he invited me out to lunch and expressed an interest in possibly rekindling things between us. Personally my attitude has always been that ex’s are ex’s for a reason and if you split up once, chances are the reasons for doing so will still be there, so I did not commit to meeting him but just left it that maybe sometime in the future we could possibly meet up.
A week or so later I was on Facebook and I was trying to find an old friend from College, and in doing a keyword search for that person, lo and behold, Scott showed up in the listings. I recognized his picture and being the curious type, I went ahead and pulled up his profile for a look. Imagine my surprise to find out he definitely got married as he said, but he is not in any way divorced. In fact, during that same timeframe where he called me, he was posting nearly every day about how much he loved his wife, how they were traveling here and there over the holidays, about the gift he was planning on buying her for Christmas and had posted a multitude of pictures of the two of them together in cutsie poses.
I’m sure Scott never dreamed I would access his Facebook page and find out his lies in this manner, and it was a total accident, but the fact is - the information was there for anyone who knew his name to see! My own personal “Manfax” on him.
I think in the future I might make use of this source of information more often, after all, if they are dumb enough to put it out there on a public forum…..
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