"Look Boss, Da Plane! Da Plane!" (aka Tattoos)

***Beware, the following blog post is sheerly one girl's opinion***

I was at a water park one day about 15 years ago, and I was waiting in line to go down a tall waterslide. In front of me was a young guy probably all of 18 or 19 and he had a HUGE ugly tattoo on his back of a cartoon baby sucking a pacifier. I stared in complete revulsion/facination at his back the entire time I was in line, thinking to myself...I wonder how he's going to feel about this STUPID baby on his back when he's 40.

I'm probably going to be in the minority here, but as you can tell by the above paragraph, I don't like tattoos!  I dislike them to the point that I have chosen to not date one or two men because they had some particularly hideous ones in very visible places. (Does a guy really think I'm not going to be repulsed by the anatomically correct and extremely explicit naked woman doing the splits on their arm?) I have dated a man or two that had more discreet ones and I tried in vain to pretend the tattoo didn't exist.  Didn't work.

I am friends with many men and women who have tattoos of various sizes, natures, colors, patterns, etc and each tattoo has a personal story and reason attached.  I can respect that, and I laud their right to have them. (I do have to wonder what personal statement someone attaches to a comic book character on their shoulder) But I still don't find even the personally designed ones visually appealing.  I equate them with discovering that someone indelibly drew with permanent markers on the Venus De Milo or spraypainted graffiti on the Mona Lisa.

Admittedly there are different levels of tattoos.  Its not the same to see some guy with a greying, stretched out prison style tattoo of a naked woman in a provocative pose vs. someone who has a very intricately designed picture that has some asthetic or personal meaning to them.  Of course in the past decade or two, the ever popular "barbed wire" bicep band or tribal cuff has been the tattoo of choice for many men, the genie bottle on the low back for women.  Ok, those aren't repulsive, but they sure show a lack of originality!  But at least they can be covered with most clothing. 

On the other hand, we have those who apparently got quite addicted to getting tattoo's and now have a "sleeve"(s).  It would be really hard to become a white collar professional with a sleeve, and undoubtably when the person got the sleeve done, they probably never in a million years expected to want to become that professional.  But things change as life goes on...

A few years back, friends around me right and left were getting tattoo's done and I thought to myself...maybe I exaggerate how I feel about tattoos, maybe I would feel different if it was a design I really liked and created myself.  So I experiemented.  Found some temporary tattoo paint that wouldn't come off til removed with a special chemical.  I painted a very pretty rose and thorns wreath around my ankle.  Three weeks later I was ready to saw my foot off above the ankle if that removal chemical didnt work, I was so desperate to have it gone.  I hated it, I was so bored with the design I wanted to scream.  I think I will take that as a sign that I should never ever ever ever ever get a tattoo. 

 

Top 10 things NOT to say in an online dating profile

10.  My psychiatrist thinks my anger management issues are under control enough to begin dating again.

9.  The picture is of me and my ex before she filed the restraining order.

8.  Looking for someone ready for a long term relationship and marriage because I need a greencard.

7.  Must be willing to hang out at your place as my parents don't like it when I bring girls home.

6.  I haven't had much luck with marriage but they say the 6th time's a charm.

5.  I spent the last few years in Texas but I got out early for good behavior.

4.  I know my profile says I'm female, but that's just a phase I was going through.

3.  I don't have a picture posted because my wife might recognize me.

2.  Seeking an understanding female who will tolerate my internet porn addiction.

1.  The doctor says as long as we use condoms, I shouldn't be contageous.

Bosom Buddies?

Roommates. Love ‘em or hate ‘em, for some of us, (especially in this economy) roommates are a fact of life. Personally for me, ever since I divorced way back when, I have only had one female roommate, my sister. Aside from that I have always had male roommates and I prefer men as roommates for a variety of reasons.



Probably the biggest reason I like male roommates is that I am about as far from Susie homemaker as a girl can get, and my lack of desire to do housework, etc. would drive most women batty. Men generally don’t care. If I leave my wet towel on the bathroom floor, my guy roommate could care less, he will just step over it, or possibly add a dirty sock or two to the pile, assuming that it’s the beginning of a new dirty laundry pile and hoping to con me into washing some of his too. If I leave my pillow and throw blanket on the couch after watching an evening of the Olympics, he won’t scream at me that I’m cluttering up the place, he probably thinks I’ve decided to redecorate the living room. None of that would fly with a female roommate.


Another reason a guy roommate is good is that if I have a gentleman caller on occasion spending the night, well, a guy roommate won’t give me accusing looks that shout, “You slut!” A girl will, even if it’s someone you’ve been dating for a long time! A guy will just say “Sweet! Now you won’t be so cranky for a while.”


And another great thing about having a guy roommate… when I have car trouble or need a tire changed or furniture lifted or jars opened or dead bugs removed or mousetraps set…assistance is just a room away! Occasionally it causes a few small problems, like men I’m dating not much caring for the idea that I live with a guy, but hey, they can just get over it.

Prize Catch

Today I received an email alert that someone had written to me on a dating website.  When I logged on and read my message, I also took a look at the man's profile, as I always do, prior to responding.  What I found there... well you have to see it to believe it. 

Here it is, typo's and all:  [You should message me] "if you dont mine living with me and my family if you whant privetsy i will cosider living in a aparment behind the house i also have my own room hey i am being sincere my partner kids are welcome."

Ladies, back off, he's mine!  I saw him first.  Please, no pushing and shoving trying to get to the front of the line to be with this guy.  What lucky girl wouldn't want to live with his family and squish into a house with everyone?  Hubba Hubba!  Don't even ask me to share the link to his profile so you can contact him yourself...

Or how about the profile I saw the other day where the guy was looking for wife number 5 for his brood of 6 kids.  Can you say "Red Flag"? Yikes!

I know, these examples seem extreme, however if you spend any time at all looking at profiles on dating sites, you will see similar things time after time and I have to wonder to myself...  Why would you put this on a profile?

First off, this may seem minor but is it THAT hard to use spell check? A person who can't spell is not necessarily dumb or uneducated but that is what spell check is for!  If you don't use that, then there is no excuse.  Bad spelling, grammar and writing will make me pass up even the best looking man. 

Second, your profile is like a resume or job application, its the first impression someone is going to have of you.  Do you REALLY want to discuss your ghetto living situation, or go in detail about all the dirty laundry of your last relationship and how badly you were treated or rant about every bad date you've ever had?  Do you want some cheese with that whine?

And last, don't put pictures of your dog, your kids, your car ...am I going to date you for your car?  And don't post a fuzzy picture taken from 100 yards away where I can't tell what you look like either.  Unless you are a ringer for the elephant man, there is really no excuse for not having a clear picture of your face.  People who say looks don't matter are wrong.  They aren't everything of course, but they are important.  If I feel zero attraction for you, no amount of great personality is ever going to lead us to a loving fulfilling relationship. 

What are some of your pet peeves when it comes to profiles on dating sites?  Any horror stories to share?

ManFax

A few months ago I stirred up quite a discussion on Facebook when I proposed that if you can get a Carfax report prior to buying a used car, then you should be able to get a “Manfax” report before dating a guy, that would verify marital status, employment status, reveal past criminal history, credit history, etc. The response from women from everywhere was overwhelming (men were slightly less enthusiastic about it) and I have more than once pondered turning that idea into reality. But the other day something happened that made me realize, Facebook can often give you much of this information itself.

Just after Thanksgiving this past year I got a phone call from *Scott* (name changed to protect the guilty), a man I had dated several years ago. I was surprised he still had my phone number. As we chatted about things that had changed in our lives since we had last met, he revealed that he had both married AND divorced in that time frame. At the end of the phone call, he invited me out to lunch and expressed an interest in possibly rekindling things between us. Personally my attitude has always been that ex’s are ex’s for a reason and if you split up once, chances are the reasons for doing so will still be there, so I did not commit to meeting him but just left it that maybe sometime in the future we could possibly meet up.


A week or so later I was on Facebook and I was trying to find an old friend from College, and in doing a keyword search for that person, lo and behold, Scott showed up in the listings. I recognized his picture and being the curious type, I went ahead and pulled up his profile for a look. Imagine my surprise to find out he definitely got married as he said, but he is not in any way divorced. In fact, during that same timeframe where he called me, he was posting nearly every day about how much he loved his wife, how they were traveling here and there over the holidays, about the gift he was planning on buying her for Christmas and had posted a multitude of pictures of the two of them together in cutsie poses.


I’m sure Scott never dreamed I would access his Facebook page and find out his lies in this manner, and it was a total accident, but the fact is - the information was there for anyone who knew his name to see! My own personal “Manfax” on him.

I think in the future I might make use of this source of information more often, after all, if they are dumb enough to put it out there on a public forum…..

My Beautiful Disaster (aka Valentines Day)

In the life of a single and dating female, no one single day holds more potential for disappointment and depression than Valentines Day.

Nothing says “I’m single and nobody loves me, no one wants to be with me, I must be hideously ugly and have the personality of a meal worm” like watching every female surrounding you at work receive cookie bouquets, balloons, chocolates, and mounds of flowers as delivery men breeze right on past you all day, while you sit there with your desk conspicuously empty of all tokens of affection and esteem. I have known women who hate this feeling so strongly that they have sent THEMSELVES flowers just to not appear so alone and rejected.

If you have the audacity to have dinner at any restaurant on that day, all around you are smiling couples holding hands across the tables, proposals being made, more flowers given, jewelry boxes being gasped over and “you shouldn’t have!” being exclaimed all around you while you sit there staring at your table for one and feeling completely out of the loop and rejected. (I strongly recommend locking yourself in the house all day and not leaving until the next morning if you are sensitive to these things)

Even if you have recently started seeing someone, you will likely find yourself dateless, flower bouquet-less and unacknowledged on Valentines Day, as grown men run like screaming little school girls at the thought of publicly acknowledging the unwritten and unsaid meanings behind being together on Valentines Day.

Of course, you may have the complete opposite phenomenon occur if you have recently met someone that you really don’t particularly like or feel an affinity for, whom has taken a very large shine to you. Then you can expect this type of man to seize the opportunity to bowl you over with an overabundance of tokens of his affection, hoping to “buy” your interest. Somehow receiving four dozen gigantic long-stemmed red roses, the largest box of Whitman’s chocolate ever sold and a stuffed teddy bear so huge it won’t fit in your car from a man you don’t like is just as bad as not receiving any! (I have to admit, the roses and chocolates did make me delete his continual and begging emails and voicemails with slightly less vigor)

Since Valentines falls on a Sunday this year, thereby minimizing the impact of the workplace scenario, all I really have to do is avoid all public settings. I figure if I sleep in really late, throw a few loads of laundry in to wash, turn off my cell phone, and avoid turning on the TV and go to bed early, I can pretend like the 14th was just like any other day in single-land. 

"He's so fat, when he sits around the couch, he sits AROUND the couch!"

Has anyone else ever noticed how mean men can be to each other?  I would never think of insulting my girl friends to their faces by making comments about their appearance or ways they act or things they do.  NEVER.  Any girl who did would quickly find herself rather friendless and alone.  Yet men do it constantly and with complete impugnity. 

Case in point...  I have a guy friend I'll call ummmm... "Gerald" (a pseudonym to protect the guilty) and he has a friend named "Hank" (same reason).  I met Hank through Gerald a few years ago and became friends of both.  And for the record let me state that both are in their 40s, well educated, professional, upper management, upper middle class men - not two trash-talking grease monkeys. A large portion of our conversations with each other happen either through emails, instant messages or text messages as Gerald no longer lives in the same state as Hank and I do.  Gerald will be talking to me and mention Hank and say something really mean like "Has Hank started a diet yet?  He displaced most of the water last time he came over to my house for a pool party."  And Hank will fire back "Yeah well you're a drunk couch potato with a laptop, if I was your wife I wouldn't want to sleep with you either." These are fairly minor exchanges of insults between them compared to some I've been witness to. 

So I thought, maybe its just those two guys... BUT NO!  Observe any two guy friends, they call each other fat, bald, ugly, dirty, lazy, deadbeats, slackers, ...and those are the compliments!  I personally can't think of any females I know who have that type of relationship with another female.  Every once in a while teasing about something minor, sure, but never ever ever appearance, weight, attractiveness etc.  I wonder if that is a reflection of women's self esteem that couldn't handle insults even in jest or are women just nicer?  I somehow doubt that....!  Anyone?