Metro - One Girl's Opinion

Do you like them buffed or not? No, I didn’t say “BUFF” as in muscularly built. (If I had, then the answer is a great big HELL YES, GIVE ME SOME MORE PLEASE!) But I’m referring to a guy’s fingernails. Ala the Metro-sexual…


Just so we are all on the same page, from Merriam-Webster.com:

Main Entry: met•ro•sex•u•al

Pronunciation: \ˌme-trə-ˈsek-sh(ə-)wəl, -ˈsek-shəl\

Function: noun

Etymology: metropolitan + -sexual (as in heterosexual)

Date: 1994

: a usually urban heterosexual male given to enhancing his personal appearance by fastidious grooming, beauty treatments, and fashionable clothes


I would like to point out that there is a big difference between a guy having good hygiene (showering, shaving, keeping his fingernails clean and non-jagged) and a guy who gets manicures with clear polish, pedicures, eyebrow waxing, maybe even back and chest waxing, spa facials, etc. on a regular basis.


There are men who severely need some of the above treatments. I can personally think of more than one man in my acquaintance that appears to have mammoth-sized wooly caterpillars sporting afro’s growing on his brow. Maybe guys think they look more intelligent (see: Albert Einstein) like this, but mostly I think it’s because they cringe at the thought of tweezers or hot wax coming anywhere near their face. These men could definitely do with an eyebrow waxing! Come on guys, we girls do it all the time, you can handle an eyebrow waxing, it’s not that bad! And while you’re at it, please, get rid of the excess hair coming out of your ears and nose too!


The same with a manicure or pedicure, if a guy has horrible nails, especially if they are in-grown… we girls won’t think you less manly if you get a professional to help fix the issue, we might actually appreciate not getting cut by your jagged toenails and scraped by your rough calluses when we warm our cold feet on yours at night when snuggled up in bed. In fact, most girls have come to realize that pedicures are one of life’s most exquisite pleasures. But most men would not dream of getting a pedicure, especially not in a (gasp!) public salon. Someone might see them!

On the other hand… I do think this trend toward male grooming can be carried too far. My personal preference is very “masculine” men. Rugged. Big build. Muscular. Slightly rough around the edges. Football player or “strongman” competitor variety. Facials and pedicures and waxings… don’t really fit well with this type. I can’t really picture my favorite Denver Bronco Defensive Lineman sitting in a spa with cucumber slices on his closed eyes and a green avocado mask smeared on his face while one person buffs his fingernails and another person paints a coat of clear polish on his newly trimmed and massaged toes. It would ruin the whole image for me.

 

So, guys, girls…. Metro or not? Where do you draw the line?

Extreme Makeover

It’s a universal truth even if women don’t want to admit it – we see “potential” in men and date/court that, not necessarily the reality of the man before us. I don’t blame men for resenting that. But women will invest their time and attention in men whom we consider to have the potential to be what we are looking for. It may be how they dress, do their hair, the interests they have cultivated etc but the honest truth is that most women see a man and measure what could be, not the current status quo.




It’s not a case of loving someone the way they are. We can delude ourselves that we do…but the truth is – there are things we want to change about you guys.



You would be a great catch if only you…



1. Dressed better

2. Got a good hair cut

3. Invested in a good skin care line

4. Changed the kind of music you listen to

5. Worked out just a little

6. Quit watching Star Trek

7. Threw out the comic books

8. Had different friends

9. Drove a great car

10. Read a book



You get the idea. Of course this list varies with each girl according to our values, our taste, and the image we want to present to our friends. Because make no mistake – how our friends view you is incredibly important to us. You will not be appreciated if you ruin our “rep” with our best girlfriends. You see, we have an image of ourselves that we want other people to see. If you don’t fall in line with that, well, there’s only one of two things that can happen. You either change to conform to our image or you’re not affiliated with us anymore. Simple as that.



So yeah… Guys, there’s a reason we want to change you. You have to be compatible with our self image, our persona. If you don’t enhance that projection of ourselves then we just aren’t too sure we can let our name be linked to yours. This is why women will introduce a very good looking guy to their friends quickly, because that man enhances our rep, even if he is a jerk and treats us bad. But we will be slow and loathe to introduce our new beau who is the best, greatest guy in the world who treats us like gold …except he needs a new wardrobe and to be introduced into the 21st century, and steered gently to get rid of his obsession with Babylon 6 and clear out all the accumulated years of Star Wars action figures and directed to a more attractive “Mad Men” style of coolness prior to being publicly acknowledged by us as someone significant in our lives.



Girls, have you ever had a friend suddenly become all secretive about the new guy they are dating? It’s probably because they are early in the “my fair lady” makeover process. They don’t want you to meet the new guy until the “Steve Urkel” has been transformed into Johnny Depp.

This rule doesn’t hold as true for the long time couples. All a girl has to do there is avoid introducing the spouse or significant other and allow them to be a nebulous entity better left to the imagination. No one questions it, it works fine.



But when the relationship is new, our current and long standing friends who know us well will want to meet our new man. AND THEY WILL HAVE AN OPINION! And we don’t want that opinion to be negative. So we will be tempted to see if we can rent a Robert Downey Jr. look-alike.



Is this desire of women to change a man wrong? Yes of course! But it’s a fact of life. Women want their guy to be a credit to them, not make them pitied by friends. So the next time you start dating a girl and she oh so tactfully suggests you would look so great in this kind of shirt or if you wore that kind of pants or if you did your hair this cool new way… take it with a grain of salt. She sees your value, she just wants her girlfriends to do so also. Make her proud, bite the bullet. Embrace the makeover she is about to give you. You might find out you like it.

FWB's - The Quandry

Friends with benefits (FWB's). Sticky subject. I'm curious how my blog readers feel about this type relationship, so be sure to weigh in at the end with your thoughts and comments.




Just to make sure we are all on the same page, here is what I am referring to as an FWB relationship. Two people meet, like each other, but for whatever reason (and believe me, there are many!) there is reason to not jump into a traditional "dating with a view to creating something serious and long term" relationship.



One reason might be that one (or both) parties recently got out of a long term relationship and aren't ready or willing to get into another one immediately. Or maybe it's obvious that something long term won't work between the two of you, that maybe too much time spent together would not be advisable. Or possibly the other person doesn't have some of the "must have's" you want for a relationship partner, but you have great physical chemstry... The variables are endless.



The real question here is, is having this type of relationship a good or a bad thing? It's really hard for me to say!



One plus is, hey life is short, and just because you havent found Mr. or Ms. Right-For-You, does that mean you should have to remain celibate until you do? A FWB surely is better than random One Night Stands just because you have needs. Another plus is that it COULD possibly turn into more than just friends, down the road, as things change. Unlikely but possible. It could even be a good thing if having an FWB prevented you from feeling overly desperate for a physical relationship and may help you choose more rationally and logically your choice of a more permanent life partner, rather than a decision fueled by raging horomones.



But here are a few negatives... Is it really a friend or is it just about the benefits? Sometimes this kind of arrangement can leave you feeling "used", especially when the only time you see or hear from them is when they want sex. Other times it could happen that one person may develop feelings that are much deeper than friendship for the other and if it isn't mutual, it's almost always a recipe for disaster and heartbreak. And sometimes, because your sexual needs are being met, you give off a vibe of unavailability to those who are potential "Long-term relationship" suitors, which sabotages your future. And dont forget the potential problem that when you do meet someone great, when/if they find out you have this kind of relationship with someone else, they get upset and dont want to see you anymore.



So now its on you, the reader... What is your take? Has anyone had a really successful FWB story that you'd like to share? A really terrible one?
 
*note - I originally posted this on Facebook only and it generated a massive amount of responses.  I highly suggest checking the blog post on there and reading the comments as the readers were highly vociferous.  The direct link to this discussion is Here

Bringing sexy back

Have you ever known someone who wasn’t actually very good looking, maybe they were overweight, didn’t dress the greatest, etc. and yet they attract the opposite sex like mad? It’s hard to figure out when you are looking at them thinking…what is it they have that I don’t? Especially when feature by feature you score higher in every category.




Recently I was discussing this phenomenon with a guy friend I know who read my prior blog post about bad teeth and he brought up that he had a friend who was always literally dirty. He worked as a mechanic and consistently had black grease under his nails, oily hair, not the best hygiene, dressed in torn t shirts and ratty worn out jeans, and had a ripe air of body odor surrounding him, yet women flocked around him constantly. My friend was baffled by it, because he is a very well kempt, nice looking, well dressed, mannerly guy and yet…no such similar effect on women.



I have two theories on this. #1.I really do think we exude pheromones, just like moths and other animals, that attract others to us, and some people reek of them more than others, especially at different times in our body cycles. Not to be crass but I swear, men can tell when I am so horny I am about ready to jump on anything with a Y chromosome. I’m not acting any different, I don’t look any different. Yet somehow I am sending a signal that says “Take me now!” and men respond to that unspoken signal like I’m the pied piper of Hamlin. Ok, now that I have just turned 8 shades of red blushing that I actually wrote this for public consumption… moving on.



My second theory is that attraction is not as dependent on physical beauty as you might think, but is instead related to that complex amalgamation (like my 50 cent word choice today?) of factors that become what I like to call “Mojo”. Some people have it. Some people don’t. It’s a mix of self confidence, sassy attitude, sex appeal, disdain for others opinions, ego and swagger. It’s irresistible. It’s an unspoken message that you are in for a merry ride if you dare, and that taunt, that lure, is a heady thrill. And when you have that “Mojo” you are that glowing white luminous bug zapper that innocent, unsuspecting insects everywhere get ensnared by.



Now imagine someone who IS physically beautiful who also has “Mojo”… devastating. They are the Marilyn Monroe’s, the George Clooney’s of the world. For the rest of us mere mortals, if we don’t have film star looks, we better start finding our “Mojo”.

When Harry Met Sally – or Can Men and Women Really Be Just Friends?

This topic seems to have generated much interest – and it is an interesting subject, isn’t it? So without further ado… my answer to the question of whether men and women can ever be “just” friends (meaning a friendship with ZERO sexual interest or sexual elements involved), is in a nutshell, “No.”

Now before you start screaming and protesting and telling your personal stories about why I’m wrong…(which I want you to do, don’t get me wrong here!) but before you do, hear me out why I state unequivocally No.



First I want to clarify three things before launching deep into this topic.



#1. I am addressing this topic from a heterosexual viewpoint only. I can tell this blog post is already going to be way too long. If I threw that factor in there also, it might never end.



#2. I am discussing friendships here, not any and every interaction a man and woman may have. Friendships carry the connotation that you like each other and have forged some sort of bond or relationship with each other that entails more than just a passing “hello” or time spent in the same room with a group of mutual acquaintances.



#3. I wholeheartedly believe men and women can be friends without getting sexually involved with each other.



Yes you heard me right on #3, and no, I didn’t just contradict myself from what I said at the top of the page. There is a huge difference between having sexual undertones in a friendship and being sexually involved with each other. You can love chocolate chip cookies and there might be a chocolate chip cookie on the table. But the logic doesn’t follow that you MUST eat the cookie on the table. (unless you are PMS’ing, then we might concede that yes you HAVE to)

Another thing, I didn’t say the sexual connotations in male/female friendships were always mutual. I have had many, many male friends that I wouldn’t even dream of getting naked under the sheets with and find even the thought rather repulsive. But they don’t think the thought of it is repulsive. In fact, quite a few friendships start out that way, where one party is very attracted to the other party, but its completely one sided. In an attempt to “win the other person over” a friendship is formed, and even after all hope of reciprocation is gone, the friendship ties remain.



Think about every opposite sex friend you’ve ever had. I am one of “those” types of girls who has always gravitated more towards male friends than female friends so I have a big pool of opposite sex friendships to examine. I have been friends with married guys, single guys, older guys, younger guys, and everything in between. But with every single one of them, there is something about that person that I find attractive. It may be one person’s wit, common interests that I have with another, and the third’s easy going attitude. But underneath all of them, my estrogen is talking to his testosterone in some fashion and our chemistry allows our personalities to mesh in a way where we enjoy our interactions together.



It’s a natural thing. Little girls form bonds with their daddies and little boys gravitate towards their moms. It’s the most natural, sweetest, most innocent form of sexual attraction at its finest. And that sexual chemistry affects us in every opposite sex relationship we have. Sometimes the chemistry is so faint its almost non existent, and sometimes it’s so strong other people in the same room can feel it between you. The stronger it is, the harder it is to not “eat the cookie.”



Well, I’ve stated my case. I don’t feel like you can ever completely remove the estrogen/testosterone chemical reaction from the friendship. But a bigger question to me is…why would you even want to?



As an aside…

Most people have never heard one of my favorite songs from musician Lou Reed, its called My Love is Chemical…

When I see the way you paint your lips

and I smell your perfume

when I see the brand new color

that you've dyed your hair, too

I know, you know, it's more than physical

My love, my love, my love, love is chemical

She's just not that into you

Does anyone else have a problem dumping people? I mean I really, really suck at it apparently.


Sounds stupid I know, but the reality is, when you are single and in the dating world, you will meet people who become very attracted to you, whom you are not attracted to back. And the problem is…how do you let them know that without feeling mean or bad or shallow or worse...?


My scenario played out like this… I met a guy, (we will refer to him as Barry, only because I don’t actually know anyone named Barry. If there is anyone out there reading this who is named Barry, I apologize in advance for the slur I’m about to cast on your name) and he asked me out and I accepted. Our date was the usual, dinner and drinks. The date went just ok. Nothing terrible, nothing terrific. But Barry was crazy about me! He called me the next day, he called me the day after, he asked and asked and asked and I finally said yes I would go out with him again. I know, I know, that was my first mistake! But strangely, we had a really good second date. The rapport was better, he was more relaxed, we went and did something fun, not just staring each other down in a restaurant. I still wasn’t sold on him, but it went well enough that when he asked me if he could make me dinner the following weekend, I agreed.


That’s when things started unraveling. Barry called me twice a day every day till the agreed on Saturday night dinner. Good God! I never called him once, he called me. That should have been a signal to him right off the bat, but he wasn’t paying attention to that.


When I arrived at his house for dinner, Barry was in the kitchen cooking. He had set up a romantic table for two as best he could, given the bachelor apartment and college dorm-style furniture. (You think I jest? He had set up a rickety card table with a sheet over it as a tablecloth along with mismatched dishes, mismatched silverware and candles and flowers in the middle of the living room squeezed in between the giant TV and broken down old couch!) He made spaghetti and meatballs (note to guys, BAD date food, no possible way to eat this neatly) and somehow managed to undercook the noodles and overcook the sauce. He had bought the worst cheap red wine…something close to the flavor and price of Mad Dog 20/20 I swear, and nearly caught the place on fire toasting some French bread under the broiler.


Had we been further into a relationship, where we knew each other well enough to relax, kick back, laugh about it, order a pizza instead, then it wouldn’t have been so bad, but for only the third date, it was excruciatingly awkward. The evening got worse. As we sat crammed at the makeshift table eating, he started talking about his vision for our future, which included telling me how long he thought we should date before getting married and what names he favored for our three upcoming unborn children. No, I am not joking! About this time, if you had been a fly on the wall, you would have witnessed an immediate “deer in the headlights” look come into my eyes and a sudden and overwhelming desire to run out of the apartment screaming like a little girl and never look back.


When I got home I called him and told him the usual lines…things were moving too fast, I just wasn’t ready, etc. Nothing got through to him. For days he called every day, and every day I said no, I don’t want to go out with you.


After about a week, he showed up unannounced at my door. I’m a nice person, I hate to hurt people’s feelings and I had been trying to dump him nicely but by this time I had realized he wasn’t listening to nice. So I told him basically to “get the hell away from me” straight and strong, eye to eye. Two days later he’s at my front door again. This time I don’t answer. The next day I had an email from him saying he “happened to drive by” and saw my car wasn’t there and wanted to know where I was. There was no “just happening to drive by” my house. I lived 2 miles back at the very far rear of a one entrance/no exit neighborhood where it was impossible to just “drive by” on your way somewhere. Every couple days I would get a phone call or email from him saying he “drove by” yet again and wanted to know where I was. Yes, I had a full fledged stalker on my hands.


Eventually he tapered off and quit driving by every day. About once a month I would get a beseeching email or voicemail begging me to reconsider (THANK YOU whom ever invented caller ID!). Finally, eventually it all ceased. That was about 6 years ago. Last summer, out of the blue, I received an email from him telling me that he has moved back north near his family, that he still loves me (yes you heard right, only 3 dates and 5 years later, and he still LOVES me) and hopes that I will someday reconsider, so here’s all his latest contact info just in case.  I am considering signing up for the witness protection program now.


Ok, so I know I made several wrong moves in this situation, but really, was I so bad at it that I deserved a stalker? Rejecting a guy is hard, how do you girls out there do it? Guys, how would you prefer to hear the bad news?

Bad Boys Bad Boys, What'cha Gonna Do?

Last week I received a private message from one of my male loyal blog readers. After lots of gratuitous compliments and flatteries (a wise man indeed!), he asked me why women are always attracted to bad boys. I think an unspoken and implied ending to that question was also there asking “…and what can a nice guy do to become one?”




Ah, the age old dilemma… ask any woman what she wants in a man and she will invariably tell you she wants someone who respects her, treats her well, who loves her for herself etc. But time and again the nice guy who sits patiently, catering to her every need, attentive to her every wish and command is relegated to “just friend” status when she finds herself smitten with the newest bad boy on the block and Mr. Nice Guy ends up being the shoulder she cries on as she desperately waits by the phone for the Bad Boy’s promised call.



So exactly what is it about this guy that can generate such interest from her, while the guy who is everything she said she wants gets kicked to the side?

Guys, pay attention, here are some of the major reasons:



1. Confidence

Bad boys have boatloads of confidence, they reek of it, in fact they can be downright arrogant, and like it or not, that’s an aphrodisiac. This confidence also tends to manifest itself in dangerous activities. Bad Boys drive motorcycles or racecars or jump out of planes. They live life in the fast lane and show no fear.



2. Looks

I am not saying all bad boys are good looking, often they aren’t. But they ALWAYS act like they are and they know how to carry themselves, how to highlight what women will notice, they generally are very masculine, and usually appear to take care of themselves physically. Part of this may be that bad boys are not usually “white collar professionals.” They do hard manual labor, and the same strength and enthusiasm that they expend at work, they apply to play also.

3. They Don’t Play by the Rules

Generally bad boys make up their own rules. They don’t feel an obligation to fit the norm, to conform, to play nice in the sandbox with others. They are natural leaders and have the courage to be different. This is part of what makes them such magnetic personalities, it’s also what makes them frustrating. They won’t feel an obligation to call when they say they will. They don’t feel like its wrong to use a girl and then drop her like a hot potato as soon as someone else catches their attention. They don’t feel like a relationship is something to be sought after.



4. Sexual Chemistry

Bad boys generate it, nice guys, not so much. Picture a little boy asking a little girl if he can carry her books to school. – Yes, Yes it’s cute. But now picture a little boy running up behind the little girl, yanking her pigtails, calling her names and running away… That’s the little boy who sparks the little girl’s interest. He engaged her in an unusual way which made her notice him more. He stood out from all the other boys in his approach. He gave her attention and then…HE RAN AWAY! Mysterious. Intriguing. Hard to get. (see next item)



5. The Thrill of the Chase

Let’s face it, we all want what we can’t have or can’t easily get. Rare things such as gold or jewels are held in much higher value than common place items. Nice guys give compliments effusively and constantly and therefore they mean little to us. Nice guys offer up themselves to be used (Need help moving? I’ll be right there! Need someone to change your oil in your car? Let me please!) without asking for much, if anything in return. Bad boys don’t give girls compliments or offer to drop everything to help a girl in need, in fact they generally ignore us. They make us chase them. They make us work to get their attention. And the harder we have to work to get it, the more exciting and valuable it seems to be when we do achieve it, and then guess what? It’s GONE again! Ah yes, the bad boy leads us on a merry little chase and can never quite be caught.



There is so much more to discuss about this subject…Girls, what is your take on the issue of “Bad Boys” vs. “Nice Guys”? The movies would have you believe that if the nice guy is just patient enough, the girl will reject the bad boy and come back to the nice guy in the end. I say Bull$hit! What do you think? Guys?

Dont get mad, get even!

They say living well is the best revenge but I think some great satisfaction can come from a well plotted and executed course of action.

A couple of months ago a dear friend called me on the phone needing my assistance.  She just KNEW I was the right person to call.  She is recently divorced from a royal jerk (not just my assessment, ask anyone who knew him) and her kids had gone out of state for their scheduled visitation of him.  When she picked the kids up at the airport upon their return, they discovered that the dad's cellphone had inadvertantly made the trip in the kids luggage.  He called in a panic and demanded she overnight the phone back as his whole (unbackedup) life was stored on that device! 

I told her it was not a problem, I would take care of everything.  I picked it up, wrapped it well, and Fed Ex'd it out.  The next day he called to verify that he received it, but he was livid!  Apparently somehow, either the machines at the Fed Ex plant or something in transit caused the phone to be wiped completely clean and reset it to its original factory settings.  Oh my!  Imagine that!  What a terrible shame! 

Although living well might indeed be the best revenge... I agree more with Lord Byron, who wrote, "Sweet is revenge, especially to women."

Now come on...thats not the worst thing you've ever heard, or maybe even done....

He said, She said

One of the biggest complaints I hear from both my male and female friends, married or single, is that they just don’t understand each other. The reality is, men and women speak completely different languages, sometimes as foreign to each other as Mandarin Chinese and French are.




We all know that men who say “I’ll call you” don’t really mean they intend to call tomorrow. That’s man-speak for “I may ask you out again some day if no one better comes along meanwhile.”



And we also know that when a woman says “nothing” is wrong, that the “you-know-what” is about to hit the fan and you better duck and run for cover.

But here are some slightly less well known translations:



She says: Go ahead. (Especially if her eyebrows are raised)

Translation: “I dare you, only a complete moron would dream of doing that.” Closely related to the Loud Sigh.



He says: No, of course that outfit doesn’t make you look fat.

Translation: If you had to ask, you know you look like a beached whale. But I’m not dumb enough to say so.



She says: Who is that girl who wrote on your FaceBook wall (or said hi to you, or called, etc)

Translation: Who is that bitch and what does she mean to you and have you ever had sex with her and you better spill all the details right now and if it was ever not completely platonic, you better never have any contact with her again!



He says: Can I take you out to dinner sometime?

Translation: I’d like to have sex with you afterwards.

She says (after seeing an attractive woman): Do you think she’s hot?

Translation: Tell me I am way prettier right this moment, I am gauging how you rate me compared to other women. I don’t care if it’s the biggest lie ever, tell me I’m prettier.



He says: You’re tense. Let me rub your shoulders.

Translation: Here’s my chance to fondle you and eventually have sex with you.



She says: Ugh, I am so fat!

Translation: Tell me I am thin right now or I will kill you and ruin your life forever!



He says: Nice dress

Translation: Great cleavage! Please show more…



She says: Oh that necklace (or earrings or outfit) is so cute.

Translation: I want you to buy me that for Valentines Day, my birthday, Christmas, whatever the nearest holiday is. Write it down.



He says: Do you want to talk?

Translation: I’m trying to impress you by showing you how much I care about what you say so that maybe you’ll have sex with me.



She says: Do you love me?

Translation: I’m going to ask you for a huge favor or to buy me something very expensive.



He says: I love you

Translation: There I said what you want, can we have sex now?



She says: How much do you love me?

Translation: I did something today that you REALLY won’t like, something on par with crashing the car or breaking your new flat screen TV.



He says: Will you marry me?

Translation: I’m afraid you’re going to have sex with another man.



She says: Can’t we just be friends?

Translation: There is no way in hell I will ever allow you to touch any part of my body again!



He says: I just need some space.

Translation: I’ve met another woman but I don’t want to break up with you till I’m sure she’s interested.



She says: I like you but…

Translation: I don’t like you.



He says: We are moving way too fast

Translation: I still want to have sex with other women



She says: Size doesn’t matter

Translation: I’ve never seen anything so small in my life! What is the fastest easiest way to dump this guy?

 
What are your favorite translations?  I know you have some!
 
As a reminder, if you enjoy reading my blog, please suggest it to your friends

"Look Boss, Da Plane! Da Plane!" (aka Tattoos)

***Beware, the following blog post is sheerly one girl's opinion***

I was at a water park one day about 15 years ago, and I was waiting in line to go down a tall waterslide. In front of me was a young guy probably all of 18 or 19 and he had a HUGE ugly tattoo on his back of a cartoon baby sucking a pacifier. I stared in complete revulsion/facination at his back the entire time I was in line, thinking to myself...I wonder how he's going to feel about this STUPID baby on his back when he's 40.

I'm probably going to be in the minority here, but as you can tell by the above paragraph, I don't like tattoos!  I dislike them to the point that I have chosen to not date one or two men because they had some particularly hideous ones in very visible places. (Does a guy really think I'm not going to be repulsed by the anatomically correct and extremely explicit naked woman doing the splits on their arm?) I have dated a man or two that had more discreet ones and I tried in vain to pretend the tattoo didn't exist.  Didn't work.

I am friends with many men and women who have tattoos of various sizes, natures, colors, patterns, etc and each tattoo has a personal story and reason attached.  I can respect that, and I laud their right to have them. (I do have to wonder what personal statement someone attaches to a comic book character on their shoulder) But I still don't find even the personally designed ones visually appealing.  I equate them with discovering that someone indelibly drew with permanent markers on the Venus De Milo or spraypainted graffiti on the Mona Lisa.

Admittedly there are different levels of tattoos.  Its not the same to see some guy with a greying, stretched out prison style tattoo of a naked woman in a provocative pose vs. someone who has a very intricately designed picture that has some asthetic or personal meaning to them.  Of course in the past decade or two, the ever popular "barbed wire" bicep band or tribal cuff has been the tattoo of choice for many men, the genie bottle on the low back for women.  Ok, those aren't repulsive, but they sure show a lack of originality!  But at least they can be covered with most clothing. 

On the other hand, we have those who apparently got quite addicted to getting tattoo's and now have a "sleeve"(s).  It would be really hard to become a white collar professional with a sleeve, and undoubtably when the person got the sleeve done, they probably never in a million years expected to want to become that professional.  But things change as life goes on...

A few years back, friends around me right and left were getting tattoo's done and I thought to myself...maybe I exaggerate how I feel about tattoos, maybe I would feel different if it was a design I really liked and created myself.  So I experiemented.  Found some temporary tattoo paint that wouldn't come off til removed with a special chemical.  I painted a very pretty rose and thorns wreath around my ankle.  Three weeks later I was ready to saw my foot off above the ankle if that removal chemical didnt work, I was so desperate to have it gone.  I hated it, I was so bored with the design I wanted to scream.  I think I will take that as a sign that I should never ever ever ever ever get a tattoo. 

 

Top 10 things NOT to say in an online dating profile

10.  My psychiatrist thinks my anger management issues are under control enough to begin dating again.

9.  The picture is of me and my ex before she filed the restraining order.

8.  Looking for someone ready for a long term relationship and marriage because I need a greencard.

7.  Must be willing to hang out at your place as my parents don't like it when I bring girls home.

6.  I haven't had much luck with marriage but they say the 6th time's a charm.

5.  I spent the last few years in Texas but I got out early for good behavior.

4.  I know my profile says I'm female, but that's just a phase I was going through.

3.  I don't have a picture posted because my wife might recognize me.

2.  Seeking an understanding female who will tolerate my internet porn addiction.

1.  The doctor says as long as we use condoms, I shouldn't be contageous.

Bosom Buddies?

Roommates. Love ‘em or hate ‘em, for some of us, (especially in this economy) roommates are a fact of life. Personally for me, ever since I divorced way back when, I have only had one female roommate, my sister. Aside from that I have always had male roommates and I prefer men as roommates for a variety of reasons.



Probably the biggest reason I like male roommates is that I am about as far from Susie homemaker as a girl can get, and my lack of desire to do housework, etc. would drive most women batty. Men generally don’t care. If I leave my wet towel on the bathroom floor, my guy roommate could care less, he will just step over it, or possibly add a dirty sock or two to the pile, assuming that it’s the beginning of a new dirty laundry pile and hoping to con me into washing some of his too. If I leave my pillow and throw blanket on the couch after watching an evening of the Olympics, he won’t scream at me that I’m cluttering up the place, he probably thinks I’ve decided to redecorate the living room. None of that would fly with a female roommate.


Another reason a guy roommate is good is that if I have a gentleman caller on occasion spending the night, well, a guy roommate won’t give me accusing looks that shout, “You slut!” A girl will, even if it’s someone you’ve been dating for a long time! A guy will just say “Sweet! Now you won’t be so cranky for a while.”


And another great thing about having a guy roommate… when I have car trouble or need a tire changed or furniture lifted or jars opened or dead bugs removed or mousetraps set…assistance is just a room away! Occasionally it causes a few small problems, like men I’m dating not much caring for the idea that I live with a guy, but hey, they can just get over it.

Prize Catch

Today I received an email alert that someone had written to me on a dating website.  When I logged on and read my message, I also took a look at the man's profile, as I always do, prior to responding.  What I found there... well you have to see it to believe it. 

Here it is, typo's and all:  [You should message me] "if you dont mine living with me and my family if you whant privetsy i will cosider living in a aparment behind the house i also have my own room hey i am being sincere my partner kids are welcome."

Ladies, back off, he's mine!  I saw him first.  Please, no pushing and shoving trying to get to the front of the line to be with this guy.  What lucky girl wouldn't want to live with his family and squish into a house with everyone?  Hubba Hubba!  Don't even ask me to share the link to his profile so you can contact him yourself...

Or how about the profile I saw the other day where the guy was looking for wife number 5 for his brood of 6 kids.  Can you say "Red Flag"? Yikes!

I know, these examples seem extreme, however if you spend any time at all looking at profiles on dating sites, you will see similar things time after time and I have to wonder to myself...  Why would you put this on a profile?

First off, this may seem minor but is it THAT hard to use spell check? A person who can't spell is not necessarily dumb or uneducated but that is what spell check is for!  If you don't use that, then there is no excuse.  Bad spelling, grammar and writing will make me pass up even the best looking man. 

Second, your profile is like a resume or job application, its the first impression someone is going to have of you.  Do you REALLY want to discuss your ghetto living situation, or go in detail about all the dirty laundry of your last relationship and how badly you were treated or rant about every bad date you've ever had?  Do you want some cheese with that whine?

And last, don't put pictures of your dog, your kids, your car ...am I going to date you for your car?  And don't post a fuzzy picture taken from 100 yards away where I can't tell what you look like either.  Unless you are a ringer for the elephant man, there is really no excuse for not having a clear picture of your face.  People who say looks don't matter are wrong.  They aren't everything of course, but they are important.  If I feel zero attraction for you, no amount of great personality is ever going to lead us to a loving fulfilling relationship. 

What are some of your pet peeves when it comes to profiles on dating sites?  Any horror stories to share?

ManFax

A few months ago I stirred up quite a discussion on Facebook when I proposed that if you can get a Carfax report prior to buying a used car, then you should be able to get a “Manfax” report before dating a guy, that would verify marital status, employment status, reveal past criminal history, credit history, etc. The response from women from everywhere was overwhelming (men were slightly less enthusiastic about it) and I have more than once pondered turning that idea into reality. But the other day something happened that made me realize, Facebook can often give you much of this information itself.

Just after Thanksgiving this past year I got a phone call from *Scott* (name changed to protect the guilty), a man I had dated several years ago. I was surprised he still had my phone number. As we chatted about things that had changed in our lives since we had last met, he revealed that he had both married AND divorced in that time frame. At the end of the phone call, he invited me out to lunch and expressed an interest in possibly rekindling things between us. Personally my attitude has always been that ex’s are ex’s for a reason and if you split up once, chances are the reasons for doing so will still be there, so I did not commit to meeting him but just left it that maybe sometime in the future we could possibly meet up.


A week or so later I was on Facebook and I was trying to find an old friend from College, and in doing a keyword search for that person, lo and behold, Scott showed up in the listings. I recognized his picture and being the curious type, I went ahead and pulled up his profile for a look. Imagine my surprise to find out he definitely got married as he said, but he is not in any way divorced. In fact, during that same timeframe where he called me, he was posting nearly every day about how much he loved his wife, how they were traveling here and there over the holidays, about the gift he was planning on buying her for Christmas and had posted a multitude of pictures of the two of them together in cutsie poses.


I’m sure Scott never dreamed I would access his Facebook page and find out his lies in this manner, and it was a total accident, but the fact is - the information was there for anyone who knew his name to see! My own personal “Manfax” on him.

I think in the future I might make use of this source of information more often, after all, if they are dumb enough to put it out there on a public forum…..

My Beautiful Disaster (aka Valentines Day)

In the life of a single and dating female, no one single day holds more potential for disappointment and depression than Valentines Day.

Nothing says “I’m single and nobody loves me, no one wants to be with me, I must be hideously ugly and have the personality of a meal worm” like watching every female surrounding you at work receive cookie bouquets, balloons, chocolates, and mounds of flowers as delivery men breeze right on past you all day, while you sit there with your desk conspicuously empty of all tokens of affection and esteem. I have known women who hate this feeling so strongly that they have sent THEMSELVES flowers just to not appear so alone and rejected.

If you have the audacity to have dinner at any restaurant on that day, all around you are smiling couples holding hands across the tables, proposals being made, more flowers given, jewelry boxes being gasped over and “you shouldn’t have!” being exclaimed all around you while you sit there staring at your table for one and feeling completely out of the loop and rejected. (I strongly recommend locking yourself in the house all day and not leaving until the next morning if you are sensitive to these things)

Even if you have recently started seeing someone, you will likely find yourself dateless, flower bouquet-less and unacknowledged on Valentines Day, as grown men run like screaming little school girls at the thought of publicly acknowledging the unwritten and unsaid meanings behind being together on Valentines Day.

Of course, you may have the complete opposite phenomenon occur if you have recently met someone that you really don’t particularly like or feel an affinity for, whom has taken a very large shine to you. Then you can expect this type of man to seize the opportunity to bowl you over with an overabundance of tokens of his affection, hoping to “buy” your interest. Somehow receiving four dozen gigantic long-stemmed red roses, the largest box of Whitman’s chocolate ever sold and a stuffed teddy bear so huge it won’t fit in your car from a man you don’t like is just as bad as not receiving any! (I have to admit, the roses and chocolates did make me delete his continual and begging emails and voicemails with slightly less vigor)

Since Valentines falls on a Sunday this year, thereby minimizing the impact of the workplace scenario, all I really have to do is avoid all public settings. I figure if I sleep in really late, throw a few loads of laundry in to wash, turn off my cell phone, and avoid turning on the TV and go to bed early, I can pretend like the 14th was just like any other day in single-land. 

"He's so fat, when he sits around the couch, he sits AROUND the couch!"

Has anyone else ever noticed how mean men can be to each other?  I would never think of insulting my girl friends to their faces by making comments about their appearance or ways they act or things they do.  NEVER.  Any girl who did would quickly find herself rather friendless and alone.  Yet men do it constantly and with complete impugnity. 

Case in point...  I have a guy friend I'll call ummmm... "Gerald" (a pseudonym to protect the guilty) and he has a friend named "Hank" (same reason).  I met Hank through Gerald a few years ago and became friends of both.  And for the record let me state that both are in their 40s, well educated, professional, upper management, upper middle class men - not two trash-talking grease monkeys. A large portion of our conversations with each other happen either through emails, instant messages or text messages as Gerald no longer lives in the same state as Hank and I do.  Gerald will be talking to me and mention Hank and say something really mean like "Has Hank started a diet yet?  He displaced most of the water last time he came over to my house for a pool party."  And Hank will fire back "Yeah well you're a drunk couch potato with a laptop, if I was your wife I wouldn't want to sleep with you either." These are fairly minor exchanges of insults between them compared to some I've been witness to. 

So I thought, maybe its just those two guys... BUT NO!  Observe any two guy friends, they call each other fat, bald, ugly, dirty, lazy, deadbeats, slackers, ...and those are the compliments!  I personally can't think of any females I know who have that type of relationship with another female.  Every once in a while teasing about something minor, sure, but never ever ever appearance, weight, attractiveness etc.  I wonder if that is a reflection of women's self esteem that couldn't handle insults even in jest or are women just nicer?  I somehow doubt that....!  Anyone?

Mr. Forgettable

Lest anyone reading my blog thinks I only have strange or bizarre dates, I do have the occasional normal date where I go out with a man who acts like a gentleman, where we have nice conversation, decent chemistry, a good meal etc and everything is grand. But those aren’t nearly so interesting to write or hear about as the wild, crazy, or just plain bizarre ones. To that end….


…this one certainly fits in the “strange” dates category. Be sure to speak up and share your own bizarre dating experiences with me so that I don’t feel like all the crazy men are out there with homing devices pointing towards me!

A few days ago I was contacted on an online dating site by a guy whom I’ve seen on dating sites before. We had a couple short email exchanges and he hinted at meeting up but finally today he instant messaged me, and we had a longer, real time, conversation online. Shortly into our dialogue, he mentioned that he used to be a recruiter, but because of the market had gotten out of the field. I replied that I currently work for a recruiting firm and he said he knew, that he actually knew who I was, had spoken to me a couple of times on the phone and had even come into the office that I work at and met me.

You can’t say these kinds of things to a girl online and not expect her to be a bit shocked. I’ve lamented the smallness of the “world of Orlando” before in this very blog but this is a bit extreme, don’t you think?

Sure enough, he knew my last name, knew what I did for a living, knew where my desk is in the building, knew approximately how long I have been working there, etc. Then he promptly invited me out on a date. He said he thought I was cute then, but didn’t feel like he could ask me out at the same time he was applying for a job with my company. (At least he had some sense, right?)

I agreed to meet him for a drink at a local bar, we met, and I have no recollection of having ever met him before. Its not that I doubt it happened, I’m sure it did or he wouldn’t know all those things about me, in fact I even remember his resume. But I don’t remember him in person at all. I remember other people who came in and interviewed, but I have zero recollection of him.

I guess my lack of recall should have told me something…The date didn’t go very well. It wasn’t bad by any means but there was no chemistry, no attraction, and although we chatted easily and made each other laugh, we had no rapport. The date was completely forgettable. In a year or two he will probably be able to contact me again and I won’t remember that I ever went out with him before…

Sick in the head

Being sick is wreaking havoc on my dating life! I came down with a head cold the other day, it might even be the flu, and I have been pretty miserable for the last few days. Kleenex and Nyquil are my constant companions and my nose begins to resemble a certain sled pulling reindeer.


Just prior to coming down with this bug, I was contacted by a man on a dating website who seemed very interested in learning more about me. His picture was cute, he wrote in complete and understandable sentences and didn’t appear at first glance to have any glaring defects. (If you are 35+ and single, you know these qualities in a single 35+ man are rare) We exchanged a few quick email volleys and made each other smile and want to know more, and then BOOM, this cold hit me. I feel miserable. I just want to close my eyes, cuddle up with my blanket and pillow and trusty box of Puffs extra strength with lotion, and pretend the world doesn’t exist.

Problem is… this guy doesn’t know or understand this. I get the next email from him and I feel so bad, I don’t even want to answer it. I don’t want to spend time on the computer, I’m sick! So I roll over and go back to sleep. Next morning, there’s another email from him. “Didn’t hear back from you…” Do I really HAVE to answer this? My head is full of cotton wool and my eyes don’t want to come unglued and the last thing I want to do is be witty and conversant via email. So I send a quick “I’m not ignoring you, I’m just sick,” note to him and go back to bed. Two days later I’m still not well but there are three more emails from him sitting in my inbox. The first one is get well wishes, the second asks if I’m better, the third is starting to get a questioning tone, wondering if I’m just using being sick as a way to blow him off.

I write back, “No I’m not ignoring you, yes I’m still sick although slowly getting better.” Practically before I hit send I have a response from him asking if we can talk on the phone. Does he really think I want to talk on the phone when I can’t even breathe with my mouth shut? Do I want his first impression of me to be one where I dalk like dis and cabnt breede? And that’s not to mention how alluring it is to have someone sniffing and coughing and sneezing in your ear, none the less pausing to blow their nose (a task I do that has often been compared to someone loudly blowing a trombone or an elephant trumpeting prior to charging).

After much explanation of this, he asks if I would like to set a date and time to meet in person. Some quick calculation on my part decides the day I will be able to once again speak like a normal person, breathe through my nose…and then add another 3 days for the redness, swelling and peeling of the Kleenex-dried appendage in the middle of my face to abate. I tell him approximately a week from now I’ll probably be up to meeting. I think that was the last straw. I get the final “I really thought we had a good connection but now you keep putting me off and seem very careless of when or if we even meet, I want someone more excited to meet me than that” email. And truth is, I don’t care. I’m way too sick to care! And I thank God that I can now go back to bed without feeling guilty.

To Be(ard) Or NOT To Be(ard)

Last night I was out with a group of friends at a local hole-in-the-wall pub listening to a blues/americana band play.  The band was great, the beer was tasty, the company wonderful, the people watching... well that's when I noticed something odd going on.  The pub was packed with people, mostly men.  And the majority of them had beards.  There were a few nicely groomed goatees.  A couple of short and neatly trimmed full face beards.  However, by and large, the majority of men there had full on "Hagrid from Harry Potter" style beards.  The guys from ZZtop looked like amateurs in comparison to these beards.  Small children and animals could be concealed within these beards. Smugglers and terrorists could use them to transport crates of contraband across the borders.  (My mind cannot even think about all the other things that could be nestled in amongst the wiry, grizzled, overgrown strands without becoming permanently scarred.  No lets not go there!).

Of all of us females sitting there observing this group of bearded men last night, not one thought that any of the full scraggily bearded men were attractive.  NOT ONE!  Which begs the question then...why would men grow them?  These beards aren't things that just popped up overnight when the guy rushed out of the house without shaving one day.  These beards took months and months, maybe even years to grow to these lengths.  This is a deliberately cultivated appearance.  I will admit that sometimes overgrown hair can be an attractive or at least interesting phenomenon, such as really long great dreadlocks.  But the "I've superglued a dead poodle to my face" look doesn't qualify in that category.

Ladies?  What is your input?  Beard? No beard? What is your preference and why?

And guys, riddle me this... WHY would any half normal looking guy choose to hide his features behind a mountain of overgrown pubic-style hair unless he was in the witness protection program?

A life of crime

After much thought and consideration, I have decided that I cannot pursue a life of crime. Ok, it really didn’t take much thought or consideration but my reasons for eschewing such a life may not be the usual ones. Along with the obvious legal, ethical and moral issues… there’s one outstanding barrier to this vocation for me, the “small world syndrome”.


This week alone, I have accidentally run into at least 8 people I know while out and about. And that’s not counting people who know and saw ME that I didn’t know or see.


You think I’m exaggerating? I ran into people I know playing poker in Daytona this week. I ran into people I know at the grocery store. I ran into people I know at a pub. I ran into people I know at the Scottish Highland Games where there were thousands and thousands of people milling about. Heck, I even ran into the same people I sat beside at the Copper Rocket the night before at the Scottish Highland Games! (Try having to explain that you’re really not a stalker, it was just coincidence - to four strangers you’ve run into two days in a row in two different areas of town.)


Lest you think it’s just because Orlando isn’t the biggest city in the world, the latest census puts Orlando metro at just over 2 million people. Surely with 2 million people in a town, I should be able to go somewhere without running into someone who knows me! But no. And it’s not limited to Orlando. I was killing time at the Philadelphia airport waiting for my connecting flight and ran into someone I knew from Texas. I was visiting a family member in Denver a couple of years ago and as we were driving down the interstate, I looked at the car driving in the lane next to us and there was my sister and her husband who lived more than 30 miles away on the complete other side of town. I was on my way to Virginia to see my family last year and had someone I knew from South Florida say they saw me that day driving past them in the middle of Georgia as they drove southward. I could continue to recount even more instances if you’re really bored.


It’s not like I’m in the public spotlight or have a high profile job. It’s not even that I’m extremely unusual looking where people I don’t know personally might be inclined to remember my appearance. If I, being a relatively obscure and un-famous (not to be confused with infamous) person have this much trouble doing things anonymously…I can only imagine how someone famous must feel!


So as you can see...a life of crime is just not a viable option for me. I can just see myself heading into a bank to rob it and running into someone I knew 10 years ago. “Hey Mindy! I haven’t seen you in ages. What’s up with the ski mask and gun?”

Funniest joke I've heard in a long time

I really enjoyed this joke that a coworker sent me, I thought I would pass this one along via the blog as I'm horrible at remembering jokes.

A store that sells new husbands opened recently in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband.  At the entrance is a sign with this instruction about how the store operates: 

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!  There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights.  The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

The first floor door sign reads:

Level 1 - These Men Have Jobs

Our visiting female is intrigued by continues to the second floor where the sign reads:

Level 2 - These Men Have Jobs and Love Kids

"Thats nice," she thinks, "but I want more."  So she continues upward.  The third floor sign reads:

Level 3 - These Men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.  She goes to the fourth floor and  the sign reads:

Level 4 - These Men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-Dead Gorgeous and Help With Housework

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"  Still she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Level 5 - These Men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-Dead Gorgeous, Help With Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak

She is so tempted to stay, but goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Level 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor.  There are no men on this floor.  This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.  Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

Please note:  The store's owner, in the interests of being unbiased, opened a New Wives store just across the street. 

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth, and sixth floors have never been visited.

7 years

I got thinking the other day about why I’m single. As I mentioned in the prior post, I’ve been single for 7 years now. This is no small amount. I really haven’t had many close calls in that timeframe either. There was one main close call, but before it could become a full-blown, deep relationship, he was relocated to the west coast.




But still, only one true possibility in 7 years? I did some introspection on what I am looking for, what I felt the men I have dated have been lacking, what I, myself might be lacking, where the disconnect might be coming from.



To be truthful, for the first 3 years I was single, maybe even more, I wasn’t interested in getting into a relationship. I married young, at 20 years old, had been married 13 long years, played the role of wife and mother and at the ripe old age of 33 felt like I had lived a century. Being single felt young, free and exciting, full of endless possibilities. It took a long time for that feeling to wear off or at least lose some of its allure. So let’s throw out those first three and a half years and call them my “sowing my wild oats” time. That leaves the most recent 3.5 years. In 3.5 years I haven’t met a single man who I seriously considered seeing on a regular basis, being monogamous with etc? And the answer is – except for the above mentioned close call… No.



I do have a history of dating men once or twice and then never again. Some of my friends have criticized this tactic *cough*Michael*cough* as not giving a guy a chance. But I stand by my cutting it off quickly. I generally always know beyond a shadow of a doubt, by the second date, if we have any chemistry between us. If we don’t, then there is no point extending it any further. The longer I date someone wrong for me, the harder it is to break it off with them without someone getting hurt.

So I continue looking. If it took me 100 dates to find the one guy that almost happened, well then I must need to either go on more dates or hopefully increase the quality of dates to where my ratio of 100 dates to one good man improves. Maybe if I do both, I can find another close call that DOESN’T get relocated.

Why are you still single?

One of the most common questions I get asked by men in the dating scenario is “why are you still single?” After many fumbling attempts to answer this, I’m wondering if there is a good answer to that. It has a connotation behind it, similar to “what’s a nice girl like you doing in a dump like this?” Like if you were really that great of a person, you wouldn’t be single. And I think that is the perception. It’s ok to be single for a short period of time after a breakup. That’s perfectly normal. A month, two, maybe even three months. If you just got divorced then ok, a year, possibly two if it was really painful. Beyond that…if you’re still single, there must be something wrong with you.
Considering I’ve been single for 7 years, I must really be screwed up or a terrible person! --No comments from the peanut gallery, thank you!