Does anyone else have a problem dumping people? I mean I really, really suck at it apparently.
Sounds stupid I know, but the reality is, when you are single and in the dating world, you will meet people who become very attracted to you, whom you are not attracted to back. And the problem is…how do you let them know that without feeling mean or bad or shallow or worse...?
My scenario played out like this… I met a guy, (we will refer to him as Barry, only because I don’t actually know anyone named Barry. If there is anyone out there reading this who is named Barry, I apologize in advance for the slur I’m about to cast on your name) and he asked me out and I accepted. Our date was the usual, dinner and drinks. The date went just ok. Nothing terrible, nothing terrific. But Barry was crazy about me! He called me the next day, he called me the day after, he asked and asked and asked and I finally said yes I would go out with him again. I know, I know, that was my first mistake! But strangely, we had a really good second date. The rapport was better, he was more relaxed, we went and did something fun, not just staring each other down in a restaurant. I still wasn’t sold on him, but it went well enough that when he asked me if he could make me dinner the following weekend, I agreed.
That’s when things started unraveling. Barry called me twice a day every day till the agreed on Saturday night dinner. Good God! I never called him once, he called me. That should have been a signal to him right off the bat, but he wasn’t paying attention to that.
When I arrived at his house for dinner, Barry was in the kitchen cooking. He had set up a romantic table for two as best he could, given the bachelor apartment and college dorm-style furniture. (You think I jest? He had set up a rickety card table with a sheet over it as a tablecloth along with mismatched dishes, mismatched silverware and candles and flowers in the middle of the living room squeezed in between the giant TV and broken down old couch!) He made spaghetti and meatballs (note to guys, BAD date food, no possible way to eat this neatly) and somehow managed to undercook the noodles and overcook the sauce. He had bought the worst cheap red wine…something close to the flavor and price of Mad Dog 20/20 I swear, and nearly caught the place on fire toasting some French bread under the broiler.
Had we been further into a relationship, where we knew each other well enough to relax, kick back, laugh about it, order a pizza instead, then it wouldn’t have been so bad, but for only the third date, it was excruciatingly awkward. The evening got worse. As we sat crammed at the makeshift table eating, he started talking about his vision for our future, which included telling me how long he thought we should date before getting married and what names he favored for our three upcoming unborn children. No, I am not joking! About this time, if you had been a fly on the wall, you would have witnessed an immediate “deer in the headlights” look come into my eyes and a sudden and overwhelming desire to run out of the apartment screaming like a little girl and never look back.
When I got home I called him and told him the usual lines…things were moving too fast, I just wasn’t ready, etc. Nothing got through to him. For days he called every day, and every day I said no, I don’t want to go out with you.
After about a week, he showed up unannounced at my door. I’m a nice person, I hate to hurt people’s feelings and I had been trying to dump him nicely but by this time I had realized he wasn’t listening to nice. So I told him basically to “get the hell away from me” straight and strong, eye to eye. Two days later he’s at my front door again. This time I don’t answer. The next day I had an email from him saying he “happened to drive by” and saw my car wasn’t there and wanted to know where I was. There was no “just happening to drive by” my house. I lived 2 miles back at the very far rear of a one entrance/no exit neighborhood where it was impossible to just “drive by” on your way somewhere. Every couple days I would get a phone call or email from him saying he “drove by” yet again and wanted to know where I was. Yes, I had a full fledged stalker on my hands.
Eventually he tapered off and quit driving by every day. About once a month I would get a beseeching email or voicemail begging me to reconsider (THANK YOU whom ever invented caller ID!). Finally, eventually it all ceased. That was about 6 years ago. Last summer, out of the blue, I received an email from him telling me that he has moved back north near his family, that he still loves me (yes you heard right, only 3 dates and 5 years later, and he still LOVES me) and hopes that I will someday reconsider, so here’s all his latest contact info just in case. I am considering signing up for the witness protection program now.
Ok, so I know I made several wrong moves in this situation, but really, was I so bad at it that I deserved a stalker? Rejecting a guy is hard, how do you girls out there do it? Guys, how would you prefer to hear the bad news?
Monday, March 29, 2010
Monday, March 22, 2010
Bad Boys Bad Boys, What'cha Gonna Do?
Last week I received a private message from one of my male loyal blog readers. After lots of gratuitous compliments and flatteries (a wise man indeed!), he asked me why women are always attracted to bad boys. I think an unspoken and implied ending to that question was also there asking “…and what can a nice guy do to become one?”
Ah, the age old dilemma… ask any woman what she wants in a man and she will invariably tell you she wants someone who respects her, treats her well, who loves her for herself etc. But time and again the nice guy who sits patiently, catering to her every need, attentive to her every wish and command is relegated to “just friend” status when she finds herself smitten with the newest bad boy on the block and Mr. Nice Guy ends up being the shoulder she cries on as she desperately waits by the phone for the Bad Boy’s promised call.
So exactly what is it about this guy that can generate such interest from her, while the guy who is everything she said she wants gets kicked to the side?
Guys, pay attention, here are some of the major reasons:
1. Confidence
Bad boys have boatloads of confidence, they reek of it, in fact they can be downright arrogant, and like it or not, that’s an aphrodisiac. This confidence also tends to manifest itself in dangerous activities. Bad Boys drive motorcycles or racecars or jump out of planes. They live life in the fast lane and show no fear.
2. Looks
I am not saying all bad boys are good looking, often they aren’t. But they ALWAYS act like they are and they know how to carry themselves, how to highlight what women will notice, they generally are very masculine, and usually appear to take care of themselves physically. Part of this may be that bad boys are not usually “white collar professionals.” They do hard manual labor, and the same strength and enthusiasm that they expend at work, they apply to play also.
3. They Don’t Play by the Rules
Generally bad boys make up their own rules. They don’t feel an obligation to fit the norm, to conform, to play nice in the sandbox with others. They are natural leaders and have the courage to be different. This is part of what makes them such magnetic personalities, it’s also what makes them frustrating. They won’t feel an obligation to call when they say they will. They don’t feel like its wrong to use a girl and then drop her like a hot potato as soon as someone else catches their attention. They don’t feel like a relationship is something to be sought after.
4. Sexual Chemistry
Bad boys generate it, nice guys, not so much. Picture a little boy asking a little girl if he can carry her books to school. – Yes, Yes it’s cute. But now picture a little boy running up behind the little girl, yanking her pigtails, calling her names and running away… That’s the little boy who sparks the little girl’s interest. He engaged her in an unusual way which made her notice him more. He stood out from all the other boys in his approach. He gave her attention and then…HE RAN AWAY! Mysterious. Intriguing. Hard to get. (see next item)
5. The Thrill of the Chase
Let’s face it, we all want what we can’t have or can’t easily get. Rare things such as gold or jewels are held in much higher value than common place items. Nice guys give compliments effusively and constantly and therefore they mean little to us. Nice guys offer up themselves to be used (Need help moving? I’ll be right there! Need someone to change your oil in your car? Let me please!) without asking for much, if anything in return. Bad boys don’t give girls compliments or offer to drop everything to help a girl in need, in fact they generally ignore us. They make us chase them. They make us work to get their attention. And the harder we have to work to get it, the more exciting and valuable it seems to be when we do achieve it, and then guess what? It’s GONE again! Ah yes, the bad boy leads us on a merry little chase and can never quite be caught.
There is so much more to discuss about this subject…Girls, what is your take on the issue of “Bad Boys” vs. “Nice Guys”? The movies would have you believe that if the nice guy is just patient enough, the girl will reject the bad boy and come back to the nice guy in the end. I say Bull$hit! What do you think? Guys?
Ah, the age old dilemma… ask any woman what she wants in a man and she will invariably tell you she wants someone who respects her, treats her well, who loves her for herself etc. But time and again the nice guy who sits patiently, catering to her every need, attentive to her every wish and command is relegated to “just friend” status when she finds herself smitten with the newest bad boy on the block and Mr. Nice Guy ends up being the shoulder she cries on as she desperately waits by the phone for the Bad Boy’s promised call.
So exactly what is it about this guy that can generate such interest from her, while the guy who is everything she said she wants gets kicked to the side?
Guys, pay attention, here are some of the major reasons:
1. Confidence
Bad boys have boatloads of confidence, they reek of it, in fact they can be downright arrogant, and like it or not, that’s an aphrodisiac. This confidence also tends to manifest itself in dangerous activities. Bad Boys drive motorcycles or racecars or jump out of planes. They live life in the fast lane and show no fear.
2. Looks
I am not saying all bad boys are good looking, often they aren’t. But they ALWAYS act like they are and they know how to carry themselves, how to highlight what women will notice, they generally are very masculine, and usually appear to take care of themselves physically. Part of this may be that bad boys are not usually “white collar professionals.” They do hard manual labor, and the same strength and enthusiasm that they expend at work, they apply to play also.
3. They Don’t Play by the Rules
Generally bad boys make up their own rules. They don’t feel an obligation to fit the norm, to conform, to play nice in the sandbox with others. They are natural leaders and have the courage to be different. This is part of what makes them such magnetic personalities, it’s also what makes them frustrating. They won’t feel an obligation to call when they say they will. They don’t feel like its wrong to use a girl and then drop her like a hot potato as soon as someone else catches their attention. They don’t feel like a relationship is something to be sought after.
4. Sexual Chemistry
Bad boys generate it, nice guys, not so much. Picture a little boy asking a little girl if he can carry her books to school. – Yes, Yes it’s cute. But now picture a little boy running up behind the little girl, yanking her pigtails, calling her names and running away… That’s the little boy who sparks the little girl’s interest. He engaged her in an unusual way which made her notice him more. He stood out from all the other boys in his approach. He gave her attention and then…HE RAN AWAY! Mysterious. Intriguing. Hard to get. (see next item)
5. The Thrill of the Chase
Let’s face it, we all want what we can’t have or can’t easily get. Rare things such as gold or jewels are held in much higher value than common place items. Nice guys give compliments effusively and constantly and therefore they mean little to us. Nice guys offer up themselves to be used (Need help moving? I’ll be right there! Need someone to change your oil in your car? Let me please!) without asking for much, if anything in return. Bad boys don’t give girls compliments or offer to drop everything to help a girl in need, in fact they generally ignore us. They make us chase them. They make us work to get their attention. And the harder we have to work to get it, the more exciting and valuable it seems to be when we do achieve it, and then guess what? It’s GONE again! Ah yes, the bad boy leads us on a merry little chase and can never quite be caught.
There is so much more to discuss about this subject…Girls, what is your take on the issue of “Bad Boys” vs. “Nice Guys”? The movies would have you believe that if the nice guy is just patient enough, the girl will reject the bad boy and come back to the nice guy in the end. I say Bull$hit! What do you think? Guys?
Monday, March 15, 2010
Dont get mad, get even!
They say living well is the best revenge but I think some great satisfaction can come from a well plotted and executed course of action.
A couple of months ago a dear friend called me on the phone needing my assistance. She just KNEW I was the right person to call. She is recently divorced from a royal jerk (not just my assessment, ask anyone who knew him) and her kids had gone out of state for their scheduled visitation of him. When she picked the kids up at the airport upon their return, they discovered that the dad's cellphone had inadvertantly made the trip in the kids luggage. He called in a panic and demanded she overnight the phone back as his whole (unbackedup) life was stored on that device!
I told her it was not a problem, I would take care of everything. I picked it up, wrapped it well, and Fed Ex'd it out. The next day he called to verify that he received it, but he was livid! Apparently somehow, either the machines at the Fed Ex plant or something in transit caused the phone to be wiped completely clean and reset it to its original factory settings. Oh my! Imagine that! What a terrible shame!
Although living well might indeed be the best revenge... I agree more with Lord Byron, who wrote, "Sweet is revenge, especially to women."
Now come on...thats not the worst thing you've ever heard, or maybe even done....
A couple of months ago a dear friend called me on the phone needing my assistance. She just KNEW I was the right person to call. She is recently divorced from a royal jerk (not just my assessment, ask anyone who knew him) and her kids had gone out of state for their scheduled visitation of him. When she picked the kids up at the airport upon their return, they discovered that the dad's cellphone had inadvertantly made the trip in the kids luggage. He called in a panic and demanded she overnight the phone back as his whole (unbackedup) life was stored on that device!
I told her it was not a problem, I would take care of everything. I picked it up, wrapped it well, and Fed Ex'd it out. The next day he called to verify that he received it, but he was livid! Apparently somehow, either the machines at the Fed Ex plant or something in transit caused the phone to be wiped completely clean and reset it to its original factory settings. Oh my! Imagine that! What a terrible shame!
Although living well might indeed be the best revenge... I agree more with Lord Byron, who wrote, "Sweet is revenge, especially to women."
Now come on...thats not the worst thing you've ever heard, or maybe even done....
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
He said, She said
One of the biggest complaints I hear from both my male and female friends, married or single, is that they just don’t understand each other. The reality is, men and women speak completely different languages, sometimes as foreign to each other as Mandarin Chinese and French are.
We all know that men who say “I’ll call you” don’t really mean they intend to call tomorrow. That’s man-speak for “I may ask you out again some day if no one better comes along meanwhile.”
And we also know that when a woman says “nothing” is wrong, that the “you-know-what” is about to hit the fan and you better duck and run for cover.
But here are some slightly less well known translations:
She says: Go ahead. (Especially if her eyebrows are raised)
Translation: “I dare you, only a complete moron would dream of doing that.” Closely related to the Loud Sigh.
He says: No, of course that outfit doesn’t make you look fat.
Translation: If you had to ask, you know you look like a beached whale. But I’m not dumb enough to say so.
She says: Who is that girl who wrote on your FaceBook wall (or said hi to you, or called, etc)
Translation: Who is that bitch and what does she mean to you and have you ever had sex with her and you better spill all the details right now and if it was ever not completely platonic, you better never have any contact with her again!
He says: Can I take you out to dinner sometime?
Translation: I’d like to have sex with you afterwards.
She says (after seeing an attractive woman): Do you think she’s hot?
Translation: Tell me I am way prettier right this moment, I am gauging how you rate me compared to other women. I don’t care if it’s the biggest lie ever, tell me I’m prettier.
He says: You’re tense. Let me rub your shoulders.
Translation: Here’s my chance to fondle you and eventually have sex with you.
She says: Ugh, I am so fat!
Translation: Tell me I am thin right now or I will kill you and ruin your life forever!
He says: Nice dress
Translation: Great cleavage! Please show more…
She says: Oh that necklace (or earrings or outfit) is so cute.
Translation: I want you to buy me that for Valentines Day, my birthday, Christmas, whatever the nearest holiday is. Write it down.
He says: Do you want to talk?
Translation: I’m trying to impress you by showing you how much I care about what you say so that maybe you’ll have sex with me.
She says: Do you love me?
Translation: I’m going to ask you for a huge favor or to buy me something very expensive.
He says: I love you
Translation: There I said what you want, can we have sex now?
She says: How much do you love me?
Translation: I did something today that you REALLY won’t like, something on par with crashing the car or breaking your new flat screen TV.
He says: Will you marry me?
Translation: I’m afraid you’re going to have sex with another man.
She says: Can’t we just be friends?
Translation: There is no way in hell I will ever allow you to touch any part of my body again!
He says: I just need some space.
Translation: I’ve met another woman but I don’t want to break up with you till I’m sure she’s interested.
She says: I like you but…
Translation: I don’t like you.
He says: We are moving way too fast
Translation: I still want to have sex with other women
She says: Size doesn’t matter
Translation: I’ve never seen anything so small in my life! What is the fastest easiest way to dump this guy?
What are your favorite translations? I know you have some!
As a reminder, if you enjoy reading my blog, please suggest it to your friends
We all know that men who say “I’ll call you” don’t really mean they intend to call tomorrow. That’s man-speak for “I may ask you out again some day if no one better comes along meanwhile.”
And we also know that when a woman says “nothing” is wrong, that the “you-know-what” is about to hit the fan and you better duck and run for cover.
But here are some slightly less well known translations:
She says: Go ahead. (Especially if her eyebrows are raised)
Translation: “I dare you, only a complete moron would dream of doing that.” Closely related to the Loud Sigh.
He says: No, of course that outfit doesn’t make you look fat.
Translation: If you had to ask, you know you look like a beached whale. But I’m not dumb enough to say so.
She says: Who is that girl who wrote on your FaceBook wall (or said hi to you, or called, etc)
Translation: Who is that bitch and what does she mean to you and have you ever had sex with her and you better spill all the details right now and if it was ever not completely platonic, you better never have any contact with her again!
He says: Can I take you out to dinner sometime?
Translation: I’d like to have sex with you afterwards.
She says (after seeing an attractive woman): Do you think she’s hot?
Translation: Tell me I am way prettier right this moment, I am gauging how you rate me compared to other women. I don’t care if it’s the biggest lie ever, tell me I’m prettier.
He says: You’re tense. Let me rub your shoulders.
Translation: Here’s my chance to fondle you and eventually have sex with you.
She says: Ugh, I am so fat!
Translation: Tell me I am thin right now or I will kill you and ruin your life forever!
He says: Nice dress
Translation: Great cleavage! Please show more…
She says: Oh that necklace (or earrings or outfit) is so cute.
Translation: I want you to buy me that for Valentines Day, my birthday, Christmas, whatever the nearest holiday is. Write it down.
He says: Do you want to talk?
Translation: I’m trying to impress you by showing you how much I care about what you say so that maybe you’ll have sex with me.
She says: Do you love me?
Translation: I’m going to ask you for a huge favor or to buy me something very expensive.
He says: I love you
Translation: There I said what you want, can we have sex now?
She says: How much do you love me?
Translation: I did something today that you REALLY won’t like, something on par with crashing the car or breaking your new flat screen TV.
He says: Will you marry me?
Translation: I’m afraid you’re going to have sex with another man.
She says: Can’t we just be friends?
Translation: There is no way in hell I will ever allow you to touch any part of my body again!
He says: I just need some space.
Translation: I’ve met another woman but I don’t want to break up with you till I’m sure she’s interested.
She says: I like you but…
Translation: I don’t like you.
He says: We are moving way too fast
Translation: I still want to have sex with other women
She says: Size doesn’t matter
Translation: I’ve never seen anything so small in my life! What is the fastest easiest way to dump this guy?
What are your favorite translations? I know you have some!
As a reminder, if you enjoy reading my blog, please suggest it to your friends
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