Friends with benefits (FWB's). Sticky subject. I'm curious how my blog readers feel about this type relationship, so be sure to weigh in at the end with your thoughts and comments.
Just to make sure we are all on the same page, here is what I am referring to as an FWB relationship. Two people meet, like each other, but for whatever reason (and believe me, there are many!) there is reason to not jump into a traditional "dating with a view to creating something serious and long term" relationship.
One reason might be that one (or both) parties recently got out of a long term relationship and aren't ready or willing to get into another one immediately. Or maybe it's obvious that something long term won't work between the two of you, that maybe too much time spent together would not be advisable. Or possibly the other person doesn't have some of the "must have's" you want for a relationship partner, but you have great physical chemstry... The variables are endless.
The real question here is, is having this type of relationship a good or a bad thing? It's really hard for me to say!
One plus is, hey life is short, and just because you havent found Mr. or Ms. Right-For-You, does that mean you should have to remain celibate until you do? A FWB surely is better than random One Night Stands just because you have needs. Another plus is that it COULD possibly turn into more than just friends, down the road, as things change. Unlikely but possible. It could even be a good thing if having an FWB prevented you from feeling overly desperate for a physical relationship and may help you choose more rationally and logically your choice of a more permanent life partner, rather than a decision fueled by raging horomones.
But here are a few negatives... Is it really a friend or is it just about the benefits? Sometimes this kind of arrangement can leave you feeling "used", especially when the only time you see or hear from them is when they want sex. Other times it could happen that one person may develop feelings that are much deeper than friendship for the other and if it isn't mutual, it's almost always a recipe for disaster and heartbreak. And sometimes, because your sexual needs are being met, you give off a vibe of unavailability to those who are potential "Long-term relationship" suitors, which sabotages your future. And dont forget the potential problem that when you do meet someone great, when/if they find out you have this kind of relationship with someone else, they get upset and dont want to see you anymore.
So now its on you, the reader... What is your take? Has anyone had a really successful FWB story that you'd like to share? A really terrible one?
*note - I originally posted this on Facebook only and it generated a massive amount of responses. I highly suggest checking the blog post on there and reading the comments as the readers were highly vociferous. The direct link to this discussion is Here
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Bringing sexy back
Have you ever known someone who wasn’t actually very good looking, maybe they were overweight, didn’t dress the greatest, etc. and yet they attract the opposite sex like mad? It’s hard to figure out when you are looking at them thinking…what is it they have that I don’t? Especially when feature by feature you score higher in every category.
Recently I was discussing this phenomenon with a guy friend I know who read my prior blog post about bad teeth and he brought up that he had a friend who was always literally dirty. He worked as a mechanic and consistently had black grease under his nails, oily hair, not the best hygiene, dressed in torn t shirts and ratty worn out jeans, and had a ripe air of body odor surrounding him, yet women flocked around him constantly. My friend was baffled by it, because he is a very well kempt, nice looking, well dressed, mannerly guy and yet…no such similar effect on women.
I have two theories on this. #1.I really do think we exude pheromones, just like moths and other animals, that attract others to us, and some people reek of them more than others, especially at different times in our body cycles. Not to be crass but I swear, men can tell when I am so horny I am about ready to jump on anything with a Y chromosome. I’m not acting any different, I don’t look any different. Yet somehow I am sending a signal that says “Take me now!” and men respond to that unspoken signal like I’m the pied piper of Hamlin. Ok, now that I have just turned 8 shades of red blushing that I actually wrote this for public consumption… moving on.
My second theory is that attraction is not as dependent on physical beauty as you might think, but is instead related to that complex amalgamation (like my 50 cent word choice today?) of factors that become what I like to call “Mojo”. Some people have it. Some people don’t. It’s a mix of self confidence, sassy attitude, sex appeal, disdain for others opinions, ego and swagger. It’s irresistible. It’s an unspoken message that you are in for a merry ride if you dare, and that taunt, that lure, is a heady thrill. And when you have that “Mojo” you are that glowing white luminous bug zapper that innocent, unsuspecting insects everywhere get ensnared by.
Now imagine someone who IS physically beautiful who also has “Mojo”… devastating. They are the Marilyn Monroe’s, the George Clooney’s of the world. For the rest of us mere mortals, if we don’t have film star looks, we better start finding our “Mojo”.
Recently I was discussing this phenomenon with a guy friend I know who read my prior blog post about bad teeth and he brought up that he had a friend who was always literally dirty. He worked as a mechanic and consistently had black grease under his nails, oily hair, not the best hygiene, dressed in torn t shirts and ratty worn out jeans, and had a ripe air of body odor surrounding him, yet women flocked around him constantly. My friend was baffled by it, because he is a very well kempt, nice looking, well dressed, mannerly guy and yet…no such similar effect on women.
I have two theories on this. #1.I really do think we exude pheromones, just like moths and other animals, that attract others to us, and some people reek of them more than others, especially at different times in our body cycles. Not to be crass but I swear, men can tell when I am so horny I am about ready to jump on anything with a Y chromosome. I’m not acting any different, I don’t look any different. Yet somehow I am sending a signal that says “Take me now!” and men respond to that unspoken signal like I’m the pied piper of Hamlin. Ok, now that I have just turned 8 shades of red blushing that I actually wrote this for public consumption… moving on.
My second theory is that attraction is not as dependent on physical beauty as you might think, but is instead related to that complex amalgamation (like my 50 cent word choice today?) of factors that become what I like to call “Mojo”. Some people have it. Some people don’t. It’s a mix of self confidence, sassy attitude, sex appeal, disdain for others opinions, ego and swagger. It’s irresistible. It’s an unspoken message that you are in for a merry ride if you dare, and that taunt, that lure, is a heady thrill. And when you have that “Mojo” you are that glowing white luminous bug zapper that innocent, unsuspecting insects everywhere get ensnared by.
Now imagine someone who IS physically beautiful who also has “Mojo”… devastating. They are the Marilyn Monroe’s, the George Clooney’s of the world. For the rest of us mere mortals, if we don’t have film star looks, we better start finding our “Mojo”.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
When Harry Met Sally – or Can Men and Women Really Be Just Friends?
This topic seems to have generated much interest – and it is an interesting subject, isn’t it? So without further ado… my answer to the question of whether men and women can ever be “just” friends (meaning a friendship with ZERO sexual interest or sexual elements involved), is in a nutshell, “No.”
Now before you start screaming and protesting and telling your personal stories about why I’m wrong…(which I want you to do, don’t get me wrong here!) but before you do, hear me out why I state unequivocally No.
First I want to clarify three things before launching deep into this topic.
#1. I am addressing this topic from a heterosexual viewpoint only. I can tell this blog post is already going to be way too long. If I threw that factor in there also, it might never end.
#2. I am discussing friendships here, not any and every interaction a man and woman may have. Friendships carry the connotation that you like each other and have forged some sort of bond or relationship with each other that entails more than just a passing “hello” or time spent in the same room with a group of mutual acquaintances.
#3. I wholeheartedly believe men and women can be friends without getting sexually involved with each other.
Yes you heard me right on #3, and no, I didn’t just contradict myself from what I said at the top of the page. There is a huge difference between having sexual undertones in a friendship and being sexually involved with each other. You can love chocolate chip cookies and there might be a chocolate chip cookie on the table. But the logic doesn’t follow that you MUST eat the cookie on the table. (unless you are PMS’ing, then we might concede that yes you HAVE to)
Another thing, I didn’t say the sexual connotations in male/female friendships were always mutual. I have had many, many male friends that I wouldn’t even dream of getting naked under the sheets with and find even the thought rather repulsive. But they don’t think the thought of it is repulsive. In fact, quite a few friendships start out that way, where one party is very attracted to the other party, but its completely one sided. In an attempt to “win the other person over” a friendship is formed, and even after all hope of reciprocation is gone, the friendship ties remain.
Think about every opposite sex friend you’ve ever had. I am one of “those” types of girls who has always gravitated more towards male friends than female friends so I have a big pool of opposite sex friendships to examine. I have been friends with married guys, single guys, older guys, younger guys, and everything in between. But with every single one of them, there is something about that person that I find attractive. It may be one person’s wit, common interests that I have with another, and the third’s easy going attitude. But underneath all of them, my estrogen is talking to his testosterone in some fashion and our chemistry allows our personalities to mesh in a way where we enjoy our interactions together.
It’s a natural thing. Little girls form bonds with their daddies and little boys gravitate towards their moms. It’s the most natural, sweetest, most innocent form of sexual attraction at its finest. And that sexual chemistry affects us in every opposite sex relationship we have. Sometimes the chemistry is so faint its almost non existent, and sometimes it’s so strong other people in the same room can feel it between you. The stronger it is, the harder it is to not “eat the cookie.”
Well, I’ve stated my case. I don’t feel like you can ever completely remove the estrogen/testosterone chemical reaction from the friendship. But a bigger question to me is…why would you even want to?
As an aside…
Most people have never heard one of my favorite songs from musician Lou Reed, its called My Love is Chemical…
When I see the way you paint your lips
and I smell your perfume
when I see the brand new color
that you've dyed your hair, too
I know, you know, it's more than physical
My love, my love, my love, love is chemical
Now before you start screaming and protesting and telling your personal stories about why I’m wrong…(which I want you to do, don’t get me wrong here!) but before you do, hear me out why I state unequivocally No.
First I want to clarify three things before launching deep into this topic.
#1. I am addressing this topic from a heterosexual viewpoint only. I can tell this blog post is already going to be way too long. If I threw that factor in there also, it might never end.
#2. I am discussing friendships here, not any and every interaction a man and woman may have. Friendships carry the connotation that you like each other and have forged some sort of bond or relationship with each other that entails more than just a passing “hello” or time spent in the same room with a group of mutual acquaintances.
#3. I wholeheartedly believe men and women can be friends without getting sexually involved with each other.
Yes you heard me right on #3, and no, I didn’t just contradict myself from what I said at the top of the page. There is a huge difference between having sexual undertones in a friendship and being sexually involved with each other. You can love chocolate chip cookies and there might be a chocolate chip cookie on the table. But the logic doesn’t follow that you MUST eat the cookie on the table. (unless you are PMS’ing, then we might concede that yes you HAVE to)
Another thing, I didn’t say the sexual connotations in male/female friendships were always mutual. I have had many, many male friends that I wouldn’t even dream of getting naked under the sheets with and find even the thought rather repulsive. But they don’t think the thought of it is repulsive. In fact, quite a few friendships start out that way, where one party is very attracted to the other party, but its completely one sided. In an attempt to “win the other person over” a friendship is formed, and even after all hope of reciprocation is gone, the friendship ties remain.
Think about every opposite sex friend you’ve ever had. I am one of “those” types of girls who has always gravitated more towards male friends than female friends so I have a big pool of opposite sex friendships to examine. I have been friends with married guys, single guys, older guys, younger guys, and everything in between. But with every single one of them, there is something about that person that I find attractive. It may be one person’s wit, common interests that I have with another, and the third’s easy going attitude. But underneath all of them, my estrogen is talking to his testosterone in some fashion and our chemistry allows our personalities to mesh in a way where we enjoy our interactions together.
It’s a natural thing. Little girls form bonds with their daddies and little boys gravitate towards their moms. It’s the most natural, sweetest, most innocent form of sexual attraction at its finest. And that sexual chemistry affects us in every opposite sex relationship we have. Sometimes the chemistry is so faint its almost non existent, and sometimes it’s so strong other people in the same room can feel it between you. The stronger it is, the harder it is to not “eat the cookie.”
Well, I’ve stated my case. I don’t feel like you can ever completely remove the estrogen/testosterone chemical reaction from the friendship. But a bigger question to me is…why would you even want to?
As an aside…
Most people have never heard one of my favorite songs from musician Lou Reed, its called My Love is Chemical…
When I see the way you paint your lips
and I smell your perfume
when I see the brand new color
that you've dyed your hair, too
I know, you know, it's more than physical
My love, my love, my love, love is chemical
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