She's just not that into you

Does anyone else have a problem dumping people? I mean I really, really suck at it apparently.


Sounds stupid I know, but the reality is, when you are single and in the dating world, you will meet people who become very attracted to you, whom you are not attracted to back. And the problem is…how do you let them know that without feeling mean or bad or shallow or worse...?


My scenario played out like this… I met a guy, (we will refer to him as Barry, only because I don’t actually know anyone named Barry. If there is anyone out there reading this who is named Barry, I apologize in advance for the slur I’m about to cast on your name) and he asked me out and I accepted. Our date was the usual, dinner and drinks. The date went just ok. Nothing terrible, nothing terrific. But Barry was crazy about me! He called me the next day, he called me the day after, he asked and asked and asked and I finally said yes I would go out with him again. I know, I know, that was my first mistake! But strangely, we had a really good second date. The rapport was better, he was more relaxed, we went and did something fun, not just staring each other down in a restaurant. I still wasn’t sold on him, but it went well enough that when he asked me if he could make me dinner the following weekend, I agreed.


That’s when things started unraveling. Barry called me twice a day every day till the agreed on Saturday night dinner. Good God! I never called him once, he called me. That should have been a signal to him right off the bat, but he wasn’t paying attention to that.


When I arrived at his house for dinner, Barry was in the kitchen cooking. He had set up a romantic table for two as best he could, given the bachelor apartment and college dorm-style furniture. (You think I jest? He had set up a rickety card table with a sheet over it as a tablecloth along with mismatched dishes, mismatched silverware and candles and flowers in the middle of the living room squeezed in between the giant TV and broken down old couch!) He made spaghetti and meatballs (note to guys, BAD date food, no possible way to eat this neatly) and somehow managed to undercook the noodles and overcook the sauce. He had bought the worst cheap red wine…something close to the flavor and price of Mad Dog 20/20 I swear, and nearly caught the place on fire toasting some French bread under the broiler.


Had we been further into a relationship, where we knew each other well enough to relax, kick back, laugh about it, order a pizza instead, then it wouldn’t have been so bad, but for only the third date, it was excruciatingly awkward. The evening got worse. As we sat crammed at the makeshift table eating, he started talking about his vision for our future, which included telling me how long he thought we should date before getting married and what names he favored for our three upcoming unborn children. No, I am not joking! About this time, if you had been a fly on the wall, you would have witnessed an immediate “deer in the headlights” look come into my eyes and a sudden and overwhelming desire to run out of the apartment screaming like a little girl and never look back.


When I got home I called him and told him the usual lines…things were moving too fast, I just wasn’t ready, etc. Nothing got through to him. For days he called every day, and every day I said no, I don’t want to go out with you.


After about a week, he showed up unannounced at my door. I’m a nice person, I hate to hurt people’s feelings and I had been trying to dump him nicely but by this time I had realized he wasn’t listening to nice. So I told him basically to “get the hell away from me” straight and strong, eye to eye. Two days later he’s at my front door again. This time I don’t answer. The next day I had an email from him saying he “happened to drive by” and saw my car wasn’t there and wanted to know where I was. There was no “just happening to drive by” my house. I lived 2 miles back at the very far rear of a one entrance/no exit neighborhood where it was impossible to just “drive by” on your way somewhere. Every couple days I would get a phone call or email from him saying he “drove by” yet again and wanted to know where I was. Yes, I had a full fledged stalker on my hands.


Eventually he tapered off and quit driving by every day. About once a month I would get a beseeching email or voicemail begging me to reconsider (THANK YOU whom ever invented caller ID!). Finally, eventually it all ceased. That was about 6 years ago. Last summer, out of the blue, I received an email from him telling me that he has moved back north near his family, that he still loves me (yes you heard right, only 3 dates and 5 years later, and he still LOVES me) and hopes that I will someday reconsider, so here’s all his latest contact info just in case.  I am considering signing up for the witness protection program now.


Ok, so I know I made several wrong moves in this situation, but really, was I so bad at it that I deserved a stalker? Rejecting a guy is hard, how do you girls out there do it? Guys, how would you prefer to hear the bad news?